1993.

Where the sun stayed up all night in my dreams and I went to bed wishing my eyes never had to close.
I would stay up and stare out my window and count to ten and wish that I was old enough to sit out and watch the moon begin to impose.
Christmas was always my favorite time of year, new bike, Mum brings out the camcorder, I'm in heaven. Training wheels broken in, riding all alone, whoops, there's a scraped shin bone.
Little sister chasing me around, and back then, no baby brother.

Time flies and snow came down, then there was 1996.
I'd clean the house with Mum, prepare the rooms for guests. I'd joke with my new brother in hopes of us being best friends - couldn't understand all of me yet, he was only two.
We'd wake up way too early and rush through our schoolwork, because when you are homeschooled, you work your own pace, and that's what I did best, passing all of my tests, on my own, because I could do it.
It's 1997 and I'm still in the sandbox in the backyard, listening to "Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry." I couldn't wait for our family trip to the southern USA, beaches, innocence, camping, yes.

Summer flew by, and look, I'm ten years old and it's 1998.
Bran Van 3000 is playing in the background and although I wasn't drinking in LA,
I couldn't wait to stay up late.
I always knew then, at the age of 10, I could like somebody.
My sister was so pretty. We were close. Captain Claw on the computer, 9pm at night, 1999.
My friend Jonathan and I would throw the baseball for hours, I would never take long in the shower because I wanted to always get out of the house! to go outside, or who am I kidding, play Goldeneye!

My friends meant the world to me, J.D. MacCuish and I were inseparable, energetic kids who meant the world to each other. So much in common, such good friends for what I thought would be forever.
Star Wars, the Phantom Menace. Lost four teeth, surgery, was in pain for a week. I was a trooper and I felt like a king.
My friends came over and I couldn't wait to show them my battle scars (even in my mouth)! They were jealous but it was around that time I met my new best friend, Mitts.

Slowly the '90's wore out and I entered the new millennium.
This staying up late, more responsibility stuff, it just wasn't worth it.
Scary enough for me was the fact that I was growing up, I hated it, like what was this stuff?
I just wanted to play hockey, and stay at home, and never grow up, because when your childhood is perfect, isn't that enough?

Boy Scout of the year, Prince Edward Island Scouts Jamboree, 2001.
Home is where the heart is, and I was home in every way.
It was pulling more teeth when I made the move away.
From my home, to a strange place I've never been, Alberta, Canada.
This picture does justice for emotions when I made the move, this was now my home.
So big, so alone. Welcome to the West.

No friends, new school, new place, new grounds. 13 years old. How I wished for '93...

You're crazy, I'm crazy for you

Sometimes putting things on paper makes things easier to feel.
And isn't that what we are, living breathing forums of feelings?

I love European music.
You're crazy for the most local indie underground bands
I'm all about Edward Maya, Dash Berlin, and a State of Trance
You're singing the latest rounds on a greasy bar stage
a crowded room, a loud table at the back
drifting smoke wafting through the air,
intoxicating, in your veins, choking you up
if it's not despair, it's just you reaching out
for what you want, someone to hold you close, tell you
it's going to be alright
Why keep running, leaving a trail of mistakes behind
night after night?

We, we were lost
This, walk of pain
I miss you so much, now I call again

So different in so many ways
you're into plays and honestly you couldn't care less
about fashion, sports, or the latest cars
we're so different, but we have one thing in common
a mutual agreement, from a thousand different arguments
we can't fight us anymore
I don't mind you under my skin, I don't find it irritating

Europe 2011

Soundtrack to my life

A hot sweaty summer evening
the empty myspace messages, the flirting texts, the girl we kissed with no regrets
it's this time to imagine, to rehash our lives
time to imagine seeing life with wide open eyes

We're crossing streets, skipping in the air, besides the James river
we're on the Skytrain in Vancouver, wayfarer's fixed firmly in place
I'm back waving goodbye once more to the Rocky Mountains, girls hugging my waist

Please God let me say goodbye to this once and for all
I can't stand to live in a place where I've never been loved,
scrawl your words of distaste on my chest,
it's better when I left you alone, better than the rest

My life

Malaga, Spain

The faint roar of crashing waves rolling in matches the aura of the fresh, salty air. I lightly tread to the end of the veranda, my brow tightened slightly, my eyes squinting in the bright light of the early dawn. As one other hand pulled my drink closer to my mouth, the other gripped the pen upon which I was to write.
"Commitment is a large undertaking for man, my querito", I began to write. I glanced below and saw the sun in it's full entirety, break through the open sky, a deep lasting fire. Following what it does, everyday, a predictable routine, same old same old. What I'm so afraid of.
I looked up, as I gently allowed my pen to fall from my clenched fingers, and it rushed downwards, loudly landing on the wood boards below. It fell, rushed, out of my grasp, just like you with me, I thought. I stared at the writing instrument, blankly, my mind wandering, sifting through thoughts as murky as swirling storm drains...Where's the storm in our lives? I decided to write later, maybe when the weather is more unpredictable .

7 days Later
Milan, Italy

She pulls me close. Her incredibly dark hair is so... so.. Invigorating, attractive, exotic. The curl of her Italian lips invites my touch, her features desiring mine.
The beautiful shops below have stopped their hustle and flow, and are only a faint murmur in the ever so near distance. Our conversation we've had since we met at the pool has carried on, her lingering voice wavering slightly like smoke in the dusky air. The chair I sit on feels weak, sweaty, as if I could fall through these weaved patterns, ruining this moment.
She smiles, and politely asks me in broken English to step closer. We're on a terrace overlooking a small vineyard of ruby tomatoes and a smattering of olive trees. The air is rich, heavy in heat and feeling. Her cheeks are flushed, a dark rouge, complimenting the fallibility within her eyes. The glowing of the red lantern to our right flickers, once, twice, before it reignites, mimicking my own heart rate. That feeling where the air stops, our faces begin to slant down, and our feet won't touch the ground wash over me. Her tall, beautiful frame is everything I need. Man desires this.
We lean in. But I know this isn't right, isn't what I want, and isn't best for me. I gently pull away and whisper to her 'I'm sorry."
I give pace to a faster step and leave her in disbelief.

14 days Later
Toronto, Canada

I spin. I see her, the real girl for me. I hold her. We fade, casting our cares to the stars, like comets on summer nights. My shivers make me sigh. My sighs make your mouth curl into a smile. Undefinable, perfect, stable. Commitment foreseeable.

The Window.

I can't write anymore.

It feels like no matter what I think sounds the same.

Darken your room.

"I'm afraid there's a hole in my brain.
The type where you can see through, expose your soul too.
This is visionary, just like the way I say your feelings out loud, is scary."

As I write these words, a small fragment of inspiration crosses my brain. It's a creasing thought that winds its way down, chilling my innermost thoughts.
For every element that I add to my personality, I develop a new line of thought – I become more aware. From gas, I turn into vapor and from vapor I turn into a solid block of what I want to be. But that’s not inspiration, that’s self-improvement and that’s a human instinct – which is to evolve. This can't be inspiration.

Possibly, I'm so unconsciously aware of my own inspiration, my own efforts, my resolve to dedicate myself to certain tasks or goals. Is it necessary that for my thoughts to be yet so opaque to myself, but so clear to others? Do I allow myself the reasonable amount of proper justification for my own actions? I understand that for an action to occur, there must be an inspiration, a type of thought to take place that instigates my action.

Now, back to my thoughts in my head;

"I said we'll run until the sun burns out
Until our eyes no longer blink,
Who wants to run until the sun burns out
Until the shades are pulled dark
Where the red spots under our eyes lie about the other times
When the weight of your skin is more than the weight you pull with your mouth
Close those blinds, they don't lie
After all, what you can't see, you can't deny
Darken your room, shut me out, consume me."

Raindrop Trails

A man needs his element
That is, the decompression of his desires and identity
An explosion consisting of decisions, thoughts, and dreams
The unexplainable tabula rasa experiences that man seeks to discover
Resulting in definitive thesis that man was all born without emotion
Incapable of any thoughtful nature

Rain presses its undefinable shape deep into the pane
The glossy figures swerve and slide their way
Down, down, into the drain
The trail marks left behind speak of a voyage that has never
Been experienced, endured, or studied
It's the same way with a man's thoughts,
The tragic conditioning of a torrential waterfall
Of emotions, tears, feelings and the cure for

This wind is cold to the man
It's a breeze that chills to the core
Vulnerable and resistant to feelings you abhor
It's so much easier to ignore than to restore
Why change attitudes or behaviors when yes sir, you'll take one more
On the rocks, keep your heart locked,
Let that breeze roll in, you see that star?
It's not shining for you anymore

The dripping of water, the eyes pressed to the glass
The hot smudge of breath creates a whirling, damp, fog
The chills on the neck and the memories from the moon's trek
Across the smolten sky, now begin to illuminate a shadow of the room
It's as if fears resemble empty space in life
Scampering, winding, transposing themselves beyond all identity
Pull that coat close sir, pull it tight
The ache in your throat, it's alright

Real Life

Often the craziest, most difficult challenges occur within ourselves. I don't mean a battle for your soul (which is the most difficult challenge you will ever face), but I mean the battle of feeling entirely comfortable in your own skin. I have been fortunate enough to meet people from many many different backgrounds, places, and cultures, and I truly believe one of humanities greatest conflicts is within ourself. Psychologically, many people don't believe that they are ultimately worth anything, or that they have a purpose on this earth. Confidence is a large reason why I am able to talk easily with people, make friends quickly, and show my leadership characteristics. But it is not necessarily even confidence that causes you to feel comfortable in your own skin (think of all the arrogant tryhards you've met); its the ability to realize that you are your own self, and you are not just the clone of someone else. You can be like me and can be dorky and ridiculous, or you can be overweight, loud, have buck teeth, and can't smile in public; but either way, you should be comfortable with the person you are. Understand that there is only one of you, and people like you for who you are. People judge and form opinions on people they don't know in under 14 seconds. Why try to impress or be different for someone who already has their opinion of you? Most often, no matter what you do or say, their opinion will never change. It can be modified, but what they thought when they first met you, is what they most likely still feel to this day. So be yourself, and don't change or try to be any different then what you really are.

So we understand that its important to be ourselves, and that we are worth something. But what is our greater meaning in life? Day after day, I meet beautiful girls that are drunks on the weekend and students during the week. I've never been attracted to a lifestyle like that, where drinking is required to have fun, or where drugs are needed to have a "good time." I think girls that are above that, where they aren't the stereotypical 8-4pm student and clubbing all weekend, are something to be admired. I'm all for having a good time, but does that require getting smashed to have it? So the next time I club and you see me with a glass of coke in my hand, realize I'm not about getting wasted and doing regrettable (but secretly not) things, I'm there to have fun, sober. We have a greater meaning in life other then just to party, and I believe most of my generation needs to grow up. When does responsibility for our behavior actually occur?

A Decade Under the Influence

Sweet delicate creases of the folds of your skin
The half closed winter smile, the way your breath creates crystals
That threaten to freeze our thoughts entirely still
Where we're both unsure who has to make a move anymore
These are the times we live for, building rapport
Yet, its a quarter to one and I'm sick of waiting to score

You remember the time we sat in traffic for three hours
And we talked about drinking hot chocolate in front of the fire
Where the greatest flame that leaped represented our hearts
Suffocating, flickering, pulling us apart
You know what they say, you told me
All it takes is a little spark

The snowball and pillow fights make my life
The way you taunt me and go down tonight is so right
Defined, we are the innocence of captivation
Underneath it all, we feel the voices of restraint
Take it slow, take it slow, you say, You're not a Saint
Why should I let us stray once more tonight?

You know when you grin
Your tiny freckles light up all over your chin
And when you push me away I pretend I don't want to stay
You'll pout, and pretend to cry
I'll just pretend to walk right on by
You're a game I just can't deny

A decade under the influence
Ten years that went by so fast
Where the world is colored in a different contrast
When we realize this can't last;
I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price.

Take this and swallow

I'm so paid I don't have to work to pull off another. I just take a look, if you're worth it, I'll work it; I make eye contact and pull you right over. We will get to the introductions, the teasing, the smiles; the way your eyes stare right through mine like you're running the quarter mile. I'll push you away with a laugh and you'll come back, its part of the game, another angle of attack. I'll pull you close and take your number, the chance that I'll call you later that night is never. I'll walk back to my friends, feeling your eyes heat up my back, girl you know I want it like that.
We'll pull out on town and do it up, droptop or not, we're not living it rough. I'll exchange you paying for me with a guarantee I'll make your life, that very night. I make you work for me, I'm better than your last one, to a more tolerable degree. I'm the challenge you've always wanted. We'll be so close, that our fingers will memorize the grooves of our palms. I know that's all you want.
Why is it that I can't make this work? I know I'm sweet and you are gorgeous, but where's the attraction? Lets be honest, you're just a distraction for her.
I can't get over you.
Well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
Goodbye to love,
Well it's a ride that'll push you up
Right against the wall.

You know that feeling?

You know that feeling when you remember when everything was just so right?
When you didn't want to let go of the love you had that night?
You know that feeling when you felt tingles up your spine reading Goosebumps?
When you just wanted to throw the book down but you couldn't?
You know that feeling when you got a tiny bit scared in Home Alone 1, but by Home Alone 3 you were laughing like crazy?
When you just couldn't pick between what to watch; Wishbone, Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? or The Magic Schoolbus?
You know that feeling when you recorded your first crush and it felt so magical?
When you kept denying that you liked girls, when it was so the opposite?
You know that feeling of super excitement when you got Windows 95 and you played solitaire?
When you thought Sega Genesis wasn't as good as Super Nintendo?
You know that feeling of pure sadness in the Lion King when Mufasa dies?
When you couldn't pick between Aladdin or Beauty and the Beast?
You know that feeling of victory when you'd own at Headsup 7up in class?
When you finished every sentence with "NOT" and a laugh?
You know that feeling of being so content, being so young, and enjoying life outside and not around screens?
When you couldn't wait to go on a Scouts or Girl Guides camping trip?

These are the feelings of great memories.
Where would we be without them?


-Tyler Stunna-

Passing Thoughts.

I sometimes stare and I recall places and people I had thought I had forgotten. I see images and videos that remind me of a time where I was once enjoying a life I did not totally appreciate. Remember Super Soakers? This for instance brings back memories of lawns, sunny Sundays, and heated competition. I remember writing chalk in the rain, and I will always remember large, almost obnoxious sunglasses that really hid more of one's face than revealed it. I remember the lake, how dark and entrancing it used to be to simply stare at the bottom, imagining you were simply just a creature in a lake of the free. I guess I really enjoyed the boat rides, the farmer's markets, the smell of the sea, the looking down the stairs (what felt like went on forever) on my tummy, the DQ trips with Dad, and the long talks with Mom. I know without the parents I have, and the places I've seen, and the activities I've tried, it wouldn't be possible without my parents. And I love them. My parents are the greatest influence and the great providers in my life. My Mother is easily the most respected person in my life, and without her to keep me in line, I'd literally be Ted Bundy. My Father, who spent so many hours playing road hockey, who took me water skiing, who drove me wherever I had to play hockey, is the greatest Dad I could ever ask for. And I love him.
I thank my parents and my family for the wonderful memories I have enjoyed in my life. I am so proud of my family.

This picture reminds me of my cottage in the Muskoka's. and the Kee, in Bala, which I visit every year =)

-Tyler Stunna-

How Do I Handle Myself?

Often, the most difficult challenges we face seem much worse than what they actually are. We often face preconceived notions from others that are unfair, or we face adverse objections from friends closest to us, or we eventually are betrayed by our own weaknesses. As a result, the feeling of dread (and in some cases, a loss of sanity) may occur, revealing a character streak that put bluntly, should have stayed hidden.
you don't really know someone until you seem them angry.
I reflect on my own behavior and the choices I make when I'm particularly challenged or upset. Am I saying things that hurt others? Am I letting others down by placing blame on someone other than myself when I am the one responsible for my mistake?
Now before this note heads into a quick stop in Sceneville, I must give myself a warning. When things grow out of my control, how do I handle myself? I ask myself this question and the famous Soviet cosmonaut, Valentin Lebedev, reminds me of the answer. Lebedev spent 211 days aboard the Salyut 7 space station, and the diary he kept became a cautionary tale. Depression and anxiety were constant reminders of how lonely he was and how frustrated he was becoming without human contact. In the same way, when you're in a strange environment like Lebedev, or when you face challenges that you feel you cannot deal with, do you lash out, or as Lebedev, "begin to count the days" until you can leave your situation or avoid your challenge altogether?
Hey, just some things to think about.

-Tyler Stunna-