Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Saturday, February 13, 2016

The feels

I crave you. 
I've never met anyone who makes me feel 
Inspired, empathetic, overjoyed 

If I said you're the wind in my sails,
Would that be an understatement?
Remember that time you laid your head on my chest and we stared at the stars on the trampoline in my backyard and we felt a connection that led us here?

I think we crave each other. 
That feeling of wanting to be with someone that overshadows all that you do
It's a high that is satisfied when you're near
When you care about someone as much as I do, 
You'd understand. 
That's why 
You
Plus
Me
Forever. 



Friday, February 14, 2014

Lana Del Rey

She speaks words that only people who have strong emotions will understand
That gritting in your eyes before you want to cry
The knot in the bottom of your stomach
Twisting, twisting, sickening
It's all better in your head 
When you you're lying on your bed knowing things will never be the same
Too much to drink, girls all around
Bad decisions, bad decisions, bad decisions 




Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Wall

It never felt like this before. When your eyes were on him. Not the eyes that are that vibrant, beautiful, blue-green. He felt like that part of him, the Wall, is falling, East Germany, November, 1991. The unenviable trait of being content, simply on his own begins to fade. It's a wonderful thing how a connection is formed, sacrificing for someone else, the dissipation of one.
Easy smiles, long drives, calculated text messages, Silhouettes by a Swedish house DJ on the car stereo.
She became more real for him.
It's the hand that traces the outline of your creases in the sheets.
The eyes that flit, flutter, dance awake.
The words that make us both shake;
'I'm here to stay'.

When you've given all that you've had before and you've pushed yourself to a point where the only thing you want is to want someone that wants all of you as much as you want them, only then can you really truly find someone.
I never knew this until a cloudy day in July, the sky was dull, grey, threatening to rage against humanity with weapons of mass rainfall.
Remember lying in your bed and the heavens opened? Millions of water droplets began to fall, spiraling, tumbling, rushing their way to earth.
Over our head they crashed, flattened, and streaked off the window pane.

The bedroom pane was more than just a window above us. It was more than just a place for light to enter darkness.
It was a window of our soul. Peering in, you can see heartbreak, distrust, complications.

We couldn't stay away.
And I think ultimately when he began a new start, it wasn't just a new experience, a new relationship, or a new car smell that gradually wears off.
That would be a terrible iteration of vanity, much less a moral improvement.
This was a new beginning. His brain churned like the reverie of the most concussive opiate.
She was worth it. She was perfect.
She is his.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Confirmation: I am slightly feminist

I personally find the conversation between my guy friends during a hockey game, out for drinks, or playing Call of Duty (yeah I said it), the most interesting and revealing about attitudes young men have in regards to women.

I think before I discuss what I said to my friends about their attitudes to women, it's important to understand my views on women and why I truly am, partially feminist. It should be duly noted that my close friends would already know this and others who do not know me well may be partially shocked. As a fairly dominant person, confident in myself and in the views of my ex-girlfriends, "overconfident", I have no qualms in saying that I thrive on women that are similar to myself - confident, in control of themselves at all times, and are comfortable being single and themselves without relying on a man to survive. The expression I like because it is so accurate and perfect for what I envision the most resilient of women is, "A woman who will settle for the right person, but won't be afraid to live without that person." I think women are powerful but yet under appreciated, underpaid, and dismissed far too easily. While I won't discuss all of these points, I'll drive a few of them home.
One side of me may appear to be the Duan Juan/Tucker Max of this generation which generally disregards the essential traits women bring to the equation - such as the creative, personal and affectionate characteristics that men seem to lack, the intellectual, diverse, and goal driven drive to succeed, and even the less aggressive, soothing behavior that acts as a calming effect in situations such as at the negotiation table. Even when situations like last Friday arise, when a girl suddenly becomes super submissive and turns me right off, still matter to me because I can understand where the girl is coming from. This girl asked me, "Tyler, what can I do to make you see me more? Even if we could spend only one hour more a week, I would love that - doing whatever you want." I looked at this girl differently after that, I mean, here she is, this beautiful and nice, twenty something year old girl, who became so emotionally invested into me and way too caught up and she doesn't even know me very well. Women are like that, more emotional (not always, as I am quite the emotional person myself), and sometimes, way too submissive -  not that there is anything entirely wrong with it, but have some confidence!
However, in nearly all studies, the male of the human species appears more aggressive than the female; this conclusion is strongly supported by ethological studies of mammalian behavior, particularly primate behavior, and by the common observation that there are more men than women in armies, physically violent sports, and criminal penitentiaries (CBMW 49). What separates myself now from someone else, is that I feel men use women in today's world, to satisfy themselves. Pure selfish behavior, where man believes they are the stronger sex and justifiably thus deserve to abuse the weaker sex, by using them in whatever way, whether it is emotionally, physically, or even sexually. The Girl with the Red Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson, is a great book that exemplifies these points further. It shows women in situations where they are vulnerable of abuse, being abused. This book and others like it, truly make me very angry. I find it despicable and revolting when women are used to be exploited by men - how dare men take advantage of women when they can? What gives them that right? Women are treated as sex objects in today's culture, and treated as slaves by many religions - the Koran itself is disgusting in how it delegates women to below men (two women have to have the same opinion to be considered equal to one man). The list goes on, and my fingers here, typing up this, are shrieking furiously in anger at what I consider total injustice by men throughout the centuries, starting with prostitution. Don't even get me started on why I believe prostitution should be entirely illegal, none of this legalize it for the safety of the 'sex workers' nonsense; it's an industry based on exploiting women. While I won't go as far as supporting entirely feminist movements that attempt to promote more rights to women than to men, I definitely believe in the majority of feminist arguments that detail why women do not have the same equality as men.

As my guy friends began talking about this "smoking broad they slammed last week," I stood up. They all kind of looked up from the hockey game at me. "Guys," I said, "We're better than this. And we all know it."
They all kind of stared at me, and one of them kind of awkwardly laughed.
But they knew.
No more.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

1993.

Where the sun stayed up all night in my dreams and I went to bed wishing my eyes never had to close.
I would stay up and stare out my window and count to ten and wish that I was old enough to sit out and watch the moon begin to impose.
Christmas was always my favorite time of year, new bike, Mum brings out the camcorder, I'm in heaven. Training wheels broken in, riding all alone, whoops, there's a scraped shin bone.
Little sister chasing me around, and back then, no baby brother.

Time flies and snow came down, then there was 1996.
I'd clean the house with Mum, prepare the rooms for guests. I'd joke with my new brother in hopes of us being best friends - couldn't understand all of me yet, he was only two.
We'd wake up way too early and rush through our schoolwork, because when you are homeschooled, you work your own pace, and that's what I did best, passing all of my tests, on my own, because I could do it.
It's 1997 and I'm still in the sandbox in the backyard, listening to "Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry." I couldn't wait for our family trip to the southern USA, beaches, innocence, camping, yes.

Summer flew by, and look, I'm ten years old and it's 1998.
Bran Van 3000 is playing in the background and although I wasn't drinking in LA,
I couldn't wait to stay up late.
I always knew then, at the age of 10, I could like somebody.
My sister was so pretty. We were close. Captain Claw on the computer, 9pm at night, 1999.
My friend Jonathan and I would throw the baseball for hours, I would never take long in the shower because I wanted to always get out of the house! to go outside, or who am I kidding, play Goldeneye!

My friends meant the world to me, J.D. MacCuish and I were inseparable, energetic kids who meant the world to each other. So much in common, such good friends for what I thought would be forever.
Star Wars, the Phantom Menace. Lost four teeth, surgery, was in pain for a week. I was a trooper and I felt like a king.
My friends came over and I couldn't wait to show them my battle scars (even in my mouth)! They were jealous but it was around that time I met my new best friend, Mitts.

Slowly the '90's wore out and I entered the new millennium.
This staying up late, more responsibility stuff, it just wasn't worth it.
Scary enough for me was the fact that I was growing up, I hated it, like what was this stuff?
I just wanted to play hockey, and stay at home, and never grow up, because when your childhood is perfect, isn't that enough?

Boy Scout of the year, Prince Edward Island Scouts Jamboree, 2001.
Home is where the heart is, and I was home in every way.
It was pulling more teeth when I made the move away.
From my home, to a strange place I've never been, Alberta, Canada.
This picture does justice for emotions when I made the move, this was now my home.
So big, so alone. Welcome to the West.

No friends, new school, new place, new grounds. 13 years old. How I wished for '93...


Thursday, May 26, 2011

I don't mind feeling this way when you look at me that way

I think the title says it best
it's tough when you're closer to my heart, but I can't help but wish we were further apart.
I don't know what is tougher;
missing my life in Europe,
or the times where I wasn't with you
yeah I know I sound all bitter and tough
but I'm not joking when I said I've had enough
I don't know how to tell you though that my heart
has moved on from making things right
to not caring if you're the last one I see before
I put out the light

Remember that time, CN Tower, rainbow shining
I stood on top of the building and looked down at the
city below us, fading into black, beginning to blink
I didn't know then but I know now
I'm not ready to fight for you
I can't be there for you
And no, for all the things that I need,
Really, you can't take back the things you said,
The way you felt, the glow of the sun overhead,
Which is now dipping over a crest
I'm dying with you, goodbye light

Goodbye moon, goodbye heart, goodbye you


Sunday, January 16, 2011

The cabin.



The car ride there was remarkably silent.
Her voice caught every time she went to speak. His eyes had glazed over, his mind over matter. Conversation never had a chance to begin. The road passed by with remarkable speed, the dark pine trees reaching into the sky, the dimming light fading, isolating. The world from outside looked menacing and cold, and she shivered slightly. He never took his eyes off the road, but he took off his blazer and handed it to her. His dress pants felt incredibly thin, every hair in his body stood upon end. Dark Canadian winter would do that to the body, chill, freeze, and mutilate, inch by inch, with bitter frostbite. She shivered and wrapped his blazer tight; her eyes were shut, and he just wished he could do the same.

He literally couldn't even focus enough to look at her - it was enough to watch the road, the drifting snow, and the shredded evergreens rushing past them as they drove in silence. They were only a few minutes from reaching the cabin, anyways. He couldn't wait until he could pour himself a drink, or six. His fingers were cold, incredibly so, and he placed his hand down towards the heater on the centre console. After fiddling with the climate control for a few seconds, he turned up the heat. Still nothing. His eyes betrayed a trace of annoyance, and he glanced at her beside him. She was looking away, her eyes closed, near the window pane. If breaking down was this hard, she was going to break him apart, piece by piece. He looked down towards the console again, still no heat was blowing out of the vents; quickly taking his eyes off the road - and that’s when it happened.
She screamed, it pierced the silence of the car. He suddenly looked up and saw a semi-trailer half in his lane, sliding precariously towards his SUV. He did the only thing he could do, avoid it. Ripping the wheel of his Range Rover to the right, he barely missed the rear end of the jackknifed, skidding semi, hurtling the SUV off the road and into a snowy patch of forest deep off the road below. He grabbed the wheel and shouted as the SUV began to gain speed and tumble down the side of what seemed like a ravine; later he would admit he lost count after four complete body rolls. Branches scratched and smashed out windows as they descended, until suddenly, they hit a tree, hard.
He awoke what felt like hours later to the sound of her whispering in his ear. He glanced around, taking in his surroundings. They landed luckily right side up on all four wheels. Most of the windows were destroyed and the B pillar of the rear doors had been destroyed from hitting the tree. He felt his bones and unclenched his fingers, so far so good; it was just his head, ringing and a nagging pain. He looked deeply at her, worried about what he'd find. Her lip was slightly bleeding, but she looked great - as always he thought. A little worse for the wear.
"Jordan. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Her voice was quiet, but compassionate, deliberate. Always the same, always there. But not for him.
"I'm fine. Seriously."
She looked at him slightly suspiciously, and he looked down.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, and then he took matters into my own hands.
"Do you have cell reception? Let's see if we can start by calling out."
She reached into her pocket and took out her totally cracked iPhone.
"Can you even dial?"
She attempted too, but then shook her head; the screen was missing chunks of glass and revealed electrical components behind it. He fell back into his torn, leather seat.
He hadn't brought his cellphone along for this trip, because he had left it at the cabin when he visited earlier, preparing it for them, for her...

"Let's head out, make our way to the cabin," he told her.
His voice betrayed less of a statement and more of a question, but it slightly irritated her.
"It's almost dark, we won't be able to find our way in the dark, let alone find a cabin somewhere in the middle of the Canadian shield," she replied, rather tersely.
"I'm not against staying here, Ariana, but if you want to freeze, so be it. We don't have much choice."
She looked at him. Then her face lit up.
"Does your SUV battery still work in here? Turn on the car."
He was confused, but he did as asked.
He attempted to turn over the engine, nothing, but the electronics lit up.
She navigated her way to the onboard navigation and found directions to the cabin.
He took it all in, in amazement. This girl, she was smart, brilliant actually. Her intelligence had always been one of her most attractive aspects, it always made him feel proud that she was his... or had been.
He looked over at her in the fading light. Her long, dark hair cascaded over her shoulders, casual enough to look gorgeous in her white Doctor's coat, but sexy with just lingerie on. Off track he realized, feeling sick.
"Jordan! Did you hear me?" She was practically yelling at him.
He shook the cobwebs out and replied nicely, "Say that again, sorry. My head hurts."
She looked at him, slight compassion in her dark brown eyes. Nobody could make him feel that way like her, with just a look, withering or loving.
"The cabin is only a mile and a half away; if we stick close to the road and turn at this road here on Millcroft we should be able to make it by dark if we hustle."
He looked at her and asked, "You warm? We've got a walk ahead of us."
He gently gripped her hand, but she released it.

The snow crunched loudly underfoot as they began their walk heading towards the cabin, while yet staying incredibly close to the road above them. The dipping of the sun and the darkening sky painted a picturesque landscape above them, while making it harder for either of them to see. But with a few bruises and a slightly strained knee (he found that out later as they began to walk), walking became a slower affair than they thought. What was made worse was her flats were constantly full of snow - causing her to constantly dump out snow from them every few minutes. Her feet were freezing. While the walk became long and arduous, it fortunately gave both a chance to stick close together and to clear their heads.

She knew how hard it was on him for what she had done.
She was confused.
Cold, afraid of the inevitable. Of commitment. Unsure of their future.
Afraid of their life together.
They had too many issues, too many complications. They had loving families, close relations with each other's parents and siblings, but that's where it ended. She wasn't ready for that next step, she didn't think. Or was she? Why was she so reluctant to accept him, for all his faults?

She forced her feet to keep moving, following the tracing of the highway high above them. He saw her wince as she emptied her shoes, and he had had enough. He offered to carry her, just so she could take a short break from walking.
She refused, but she knew, that even in her tall five nine frame, she fit perfectly in his arms. The summer before, her brother was getting married and they danced together at his wedding until the sun had gone down and was on its way up, laughing and carrying on like they were two innocent kids in love. Her brother's marriage brought a blessing to her life; she truly saw the positives of him, the caring, unconditional acceptance and strong nature of him, and the playful, not-serious persona. Finishing up at med school, the dances at her brother's wedding had given her the opportunity to just relax, let down her guard, and to fully fall for him...

The sun had faded fast, leaving them in near pitch dark conditions. Jordan had brought the flashlight from the SUV and it pierced the darkness ahead of them in a wavering, unsteady motion. Patches of snow disguised logs tripping them up, and she looked down at what she assumed were legs scratched to the bone, and wished slightly she had accepted his offer to carry her. The sky began to slowly illuminate with stars as they neared down the road where the cabin was situated on. He checked his watch; it had only been just under an hour of walking. She looked worn out he thought, but she was stubborn. He was used to that.

"I've never felt so cold, and yet so Canadian at the same time," he said, laughing.
She couldn't help but smile, as she realized this inadvertent outdoor hike in the Canadian Shield, while being the last on her list of TO-DO in life, had brought her closer with Mother Nature. The creaking of branches and the howl of a distant coyote seemed almost cliché to her as they walked, but it gave her a small shiver.
Think positive thoughts she told herself.
They neared the small drive of the cabin and at last reached the door.
Even in the dark, the idyllic cabin was beautiful. Entirely wood constructed, and made years ago, vintage logs matched snow trails all across the roof, the veranda, and the small front porch. She sighed loudly.

He didn't say anything as they stepped inside. He didn't need too really.
She flicked on a light, as dim overhead bulbs lit up the interior of the kitchen and the living room. Tens of pure white candles and hundreds of dark red rose pedals lay all over the floor in a perfect path to the master bedroom. The air smelled musty, but something smelled better than that, sweet adoration.
He looked away and headed to the kitchen.
She took off her shoes and looked around in amazement. Even from the wooden rafters in the ceiling, a new chandelier had been put in - sparkling white, something she had always wanted in her future house she had told him. He had laughed when she told him, but later that week he ordered one, the type she wanted, from Germany, and had it installed in preparation for her.
She slowly began to walk into the family room, where he had begun already to build a fire.
She saw a bottle of premium champagne already opened, on the hard, wooden table.
She took long swallow and sat in front of the fire.
He sat down at the table after a few minutes of stoking the fire and continued to drink.

They looked away and then made eye contact.
"I'm sorry," he said first. "I didn't know it would be like this." He looked wistfully at her, almost sadly, she thought.
"It's okay," she whispered.
He got up, suddenly and leaned over the kitchen sink, looking out through snowy windows. She saw the hurt in him, the pain. He stood there for several minutes, before she came up from behind and began to embrace him. He felt her hands wrap around his chest and her gorgeous hair fall over the back of his neck.
She let herself go, she let herself go.
All of these issues, these insecurities he had, he was worth it. The games with other girls, the parts of him that she wanted to change, she let it go. He was hers, and she was his.
She wasn't perfect herself, was she? She didn't have everything in her life all figured out, did she? He put up with all of her issues, didn't he? Why was she afraid to commit?
The fire crackled in the background and the wind lightly howled against the log walls. The creaking of the cabin was the only sound in the room, other than the beating of her heart.
She kissed the back of his neck gently.
He turned around and looked into her eyes, then kissed her deep, hard, now.
She reached up and started to unbutton his dress shirt, pulling it off furiously. He grabbed her waist and pulled up her dress, his aggressive nature taking over.
They knew they worked together. It wasn't about being trapped in a cabin, or surviving a car crash.
This was about them. All the rushing thoughts of her walking away when he proposed, the consternation and confusion when she broke his heart, left him, for this very instance.
They weren't perfect, and never would be. But they needed that one chance to realize how perfect they were together.

Suddenly, loud knocks came at the door.

Part II will come down sometime soon!

Friday, November 5, 2010

It's a war within myself

Tear this up and throw it out. Burn my letters, and forget the nights of Survivor where we'd play stranded alone on the island we called your white bed sheets, surrounded by the deep ocean of blankets, beside the beaches of white pillows. Where our sparks flying kept the small fire burning and the unstable, wooden raft of emotions provided our only escape. We knew to keep our thoughts away from the white, circular patterned stucco clouds on the ceiling which always came rushing down upon us - you knew better than me where our old memories hang from. Force your smile now, make these words about you, because isn't that what I'm trying to do? Make you think, compare myself to what you wanted before we were through? Exasperate love that isn't there, make an innocent situation convoluted, because that's what we were meant to pursue. This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but wasn't it better before this? It's time to be brand new, be brave, spring out who you are, and be who you've never been. I'm never going to be a Doctor, but I know your heart was something special.

Later as the island washes away in the wind, I just want you to think.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Simply falling.

Simply falling for you makes me want to be 17 forever.
Kind of like the Metro Station song, but more so because of the waves of feelings that wash over me.
The part where you close your eyes, and you just remember your past, parts of your mind that you tried to block out (hold me back, I can't keep this in)
Your first kiss, your heart beating when you first held hands, the one mistake you made forever
That one night where you did something you've always wanted, the infatuation and I love you's, the part where you two danced the night away

It's not just the fact that you made this together, you were naive young and so was I, your first cuddle in the dark, the one night where you just wanted everything to be all right, the sense of disrepair as you know exactly where to take me

Sheets in unfashionable array, staring into your eyes at midnight, Taylor Swift singalongs and Twilight, early hockey games at seven thirty, choking out your cutting words in our fight, so into you that it hurts to breathe, knowing you won't be able to sleep this off tonight

It's the sinking feeling in the air that you won't be the same after me.
Let's get away from this all, Lasalle or Lowville Park,
Back to the basics, no more question marks
Let's make this right, you won't be this age forever
Tell me the chance hasn't passed us by,
Cause girl the stars have never shined so bright
Slowly...

Falling Apart.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Getting the chills

It's been two years later, and it's deja vu.
You learn to love and learn to move on too.
You can't take what you've learned until you've put it into application.
You can't be the person who stands up and tells people what to do, even if you're a preacher, until you follow your own words and do it yourself.
Twice in one month I've learned to love and let go of myself - there's more to this world than what we can see.
In so many way, relationships are a great mystery,
The first dance where you get to know each other, where you hide parts that you feel insecure or unsafe showing (If I told the truth on everything we wouldn't work out, would we?)
The second dance where you truly get to know each other (I swear I can go on forever)
The third dance is where you learn to work through each other's differences (Please let me know that my one bad day will end)
And the final fourth dance is where you learn to love each other (I'm lost without you).

And I think these truly sum up what we go through, as humanity.
Now this isn't a rule, and definitely isn't a guideline for how relationships work.
Deftly we work our way through our feelings of discontent for the sake of passion.
Remembering life lessons, like it was taught in school, is a good way to move on.
Easy does it, easy does it.
Always be prepared though to be hurt, whenever you are prepared to hit the runway.

I don't always say this, but I never thought I would be the one saying these things.
Seriously, don't we understand the damage constantly picking up and moving on does?

Adorable.

"When we're with someone we think we'll be with forever, our thinking is so two-dimensional -- we see life in terms of "before" and "after" this person. I think what makes heartbreak and loss so hard is the stretching of your mind to include three dimensions instead of two -- forever always existed, just different than you imagined it. It's like when you're walking down a staircase and you think there's one more step so you step down, and your foot collides with the wood floor -- hard. It was always there. You just never saw it. You couldn't. The harshest realization? Humans can control a lot of things... but not all".
- AR

Monday, September 27, 2010

The air is cold


It's about time I realized that what I've wanted is where I used to be.
The scraping of the city that dulled my ears when I drove to school everyday.
The cold door slam of the arena door as I left the Oval in pitch dark night, dragging my tired soul to parking lot eleven.

The air is cold, the wind brings upon a shuddering chill. It was the season between fall and winter, where the air is cold enough for snow, but the heavens haven't released their flurry of offerings. After a long class dealing with macroeconomics and global supply and demand, I hastily pack up my books and head across campus. I'm about to walk to my car, probably see a fresh ticket on my windshield, when I catch the eye of this girl about twenty five feet to my right, entering MacEwan student centre.
She's beautiful. Just below shoulder length brown hair, and the most gorgeous brown eyes I've ever seen. I recognized her, it was like I tried to place her in my mind but I could not realize where we had met. I shuffled a little faster to get to the door after her, before it closed. We entered the student centre together, my mind racing to try to place her.

Later we would agree that my nervousness in approaching in her, and her realizing that this guy was following her, would make her turn around and approach me.
"Do I know you? I think I've seen you before." She smiled, she was genuine.
Now as a warning to others out there to NOT reply like me, my response was rather ridiculous.
"Yeah, I'm Tyler, we should kick it like a field goal." She kind of gave me a poker face, then her brilliant white teeth began to shine.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The lights in life


Never had the lights shone so bright before. I remember kissing you, right then and there. The air was hot, incredibly stale. Humidity that rolled over you in waves, crashing down on our brows. Your eyes were lit up, lighting my life, revealing what you've always wanted. Sweet desire. Like we're made for this moment, tingling feelings that creep down our spines, the rush of silence minus the buzzing of the park lights. Oh so bright, wisping away the dark screams in your eyes, suffocating the space between what was real and what was a lie. I remember you telling him you wanted someone who would pull you close around anyone, without any caution to the world. Your long hair was dark and your skin white, like before we met. I'm not sure what's missing now, but I'm sure you can fix it.

Sitting by a broken tree, we made that moment never end. Every part about you, the thousand hours spent in silence, as you spilt out your life, drop by drop onto my heart. The boy that never made you happy, never made you want to get up in the morning. If he couldn't do that, why was he living?
It wasn't the garden in the park that made this moment seem too real, the harsh feel of your denim jacket on my skin, the icey feel of your skin after we finished. No one else could care for you like I do. I knew then, after that kiss, it was hard to breathe, I wouldn't give you space, would I?

You made my palms sweat, and that was rare. Normally I sweat only in final playoff hockey games, or when I lost money at the bar, unable to buy you drinks. But you made my hands feel sticky, which I love, because I feel like I'm stuck with you. Your hand on my waist made my throat feel constricted, my eyes closed tight... He never made you feel that way, when you put your hands around his waist, he never returned the affection. I watched.

You know when I tripped down the set of stairs beside the lake and fell in? Then when you went to pull me up, I dragged you in? I tripped deliberately, I needed you, right then. The shadow on your face, it went white. You began to trust me, brought someone like me right into your life. While I heard every detail of the life of your last boy, I was dreaming of being your savior. I could've drowned you, snuffed out your pretty little life. Instead, I saved you, because that's the type of person I am.

So here's my heart, and here's my mouth, let these words fill the page, and I can't help if things come out. I can't help if the parts of me that you hate, are parts I could never cut out. Because you mean that to me, your hand in mine. Hold my hand already, keep me steady? For the love you bring, over everything, you're everything I need under the sun.

When I slashed into him, my first stab sliced deep into his chest. The red river poured forth from him, rushing over my feet, running down my hands. The pooling of the red river resembled the stream of tears I carried for you, the one disaster I always prevented. The last thing on your mind is what I could be for you - but take a look at me now, I'm everything you never had. And deep down, isn't that what we've always wanted all along?

I'm down on my knees in this cold, dark cell, my heart racing, and my hands clenched like they were back in the park, all over again. Where are the lights, the ones that kept me awake at night? Muffled, gone, removed from my life. My palms aren't sweaty either, if you must know. I won't ever change if you want to stay the same. I'll be your savior, let's start over again?

Monday, June 14, 2010

So this is the truth

Working hard brings no results.
Sorry for no posts, I'll be doing more in the future.
Right now work, school, and hockey occupy my life.
I hope to be back writing when I feel it.
As I am right now, I'm kinda burnt.
Let's wait and see.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Rain is the closest feeling to home.

Your imaginary arms have never felt so close to my chest,
Resting, pressing your palms of your hand into mine.
The drizzling drops of water condense outside my old, dusty, window.
It seems as if the clouds have sprung a leak, billowing forth droplets
Of rain, of tears, of feelings.
Where are you tonight?

I clutch old letters as tight as my hands will allow ... I wish your skin wrapped itself around my fingers, your breath on the nape of my neck.
The bright calm of the still early dawn keeps my eyes from drifting asleep,
Like a cold dark coal, it seals up all warmth, everything I've wanted ...
From you ...

It's only then, at the time where I've wanted you the most, I've realized
You're so far gone.



Tuesday, December 8, 2009

For the Moment.


It's a quarter past 1
The room's spinning, grabbing you up like this is dangerous
The last time in a while for us to be so serial,
Hold on, we're already charged, guilty is our verdict
Why's my keys, cell, your number
On the floor, where's that party at, babe?
Wish I could stop my p-p-p-playful way,
Play it once, I'll play you twice

Just make the ground shake, dee jay
Let's feel this wave crash over me
Just let it out tonight
Yeah we'll be fine

You drop that bottle, splashing your dress
That girl is swimming in the empty bathtub, what,
Tangle me up right in your long hair
I won't resist
That girl was in my arms last night, sorry I
Forgot to call you back, my mind was
D-d-d-dizzy
(Take it slow)

Take us to the floor, hold my drink dear
I'm about to break you down, no need for tears
Concentrate, dance, spin that record babe
Hold this, we'll be alright, shake

Let's dance and pretend this is the last day to exist
Pretend this sexual tension between us will
Cease and desist, yeah
Hold on tight, you see girl, I'm no player
Even if ten minutes from now, I'll see you later

Just make the ground shake, dee jay
Let's feel this wave crash over me
Just let it out tonight
Yeah we'll be alright

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Writing the end

This wasn't the shit I signed up for when we went out
when I walk in, let's grab those cubes and throw them in a glass
don't stop, make it rock,
feel this, rush this pulse,
because there's no fear in the world that can separate us
especially when your mouth is around that bottle of Jack
don't stop, make it rock
tonight we're going to not fight, play these games
dig your three inch heels into the carpet
don't stop, make it rock
push me down, away, shit we can do this any day
don't need to fight, why make it right when we can drink all night?
No care in the world when you're here
we've got more class than the Queen on acid
crack, crack, crack, you hear that?
it's the sound of us breaking apart,
foundations cracking



Sunday, September 20, 2009

pieces of our puzzle.


This has got to be over my head
everyone knows when you can't keep up to expectations
family pressures, alcohol induced seizures, failing exam marks
constant sickness, your vanity greater than mine, congratulations
girls that can't and won't put up with the disengaging of my heart
this can't be a change from the start.

It was the beginning of how things always were,
let's now reflect and allow our minds to wander
it's the teas on a warm evening.
its the hugs that make me feel that I matter.
its the dinner dates and drives, drive-thru's and dancing.
in the laughter in their eyes that can melt a coal heart.
movie nights while holding hands.
guitar strings ringing at 3 am.

You know what's the craziest feeling? No matter what happens I'm here for that someone.

I guess through metaphors, I am trying to tell someone I love them.
without the pieces, the puzzle is just...pieces.
and would you believe it? I feel complete.
life is too short to always be rushing us through.

(credit to Lisa-Marie Hasiuk for most of this)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Speaking from the other side of the heart

Every feeling that we get
When you're home alone, with your worst thoughts on your mind
When you can't miss anyone anymore
And when your thoughts can't seem to look up
After every hit we take
Every personal insult we laugh off and try to shake
The very people you smile at, but wish left your life
They hurt

This isn't supposed to be pretty or creative writing
It's simply powerful and expresses the bitterness we feel
You know that crazy feeling that just builds and builds
That gives you a rush of pure anxiety and is deep within you
The one where you want to lash out because of the hurt they caused you
I know that feeling, we all have that feeling
Why don't we let our thoughts for once, have meaning?
You hurt.



Friday, July 10, 2009

This says so much more than I could ever say

watch and just go write.
perfect.



Saturday, June 27, 2009

My life

Malaga, Spain

The faint roar of crashing waves rolling in matches the aura of the fresh, salty air. I lightly tread to the end of the veranda, my brow tightened slightly, my eyes squinting in the bright light of the early dawn. As one other hand pulled my drink closer to my mouth, the other gripped the pen upon which I was to write.
"Commitment is a large undertaking for man, my querito", I began to write. I glanced below and saw the sun in it's full entirety, break through the open sky, a deep lasting fire. Following what it does, everyday, a predictable routine, same old same old. What I'm so afraid of.
I looked up, as I gently allowed my pen to fall from my clenched fingers, and it rushed downwards, loudly landing on the wood boards below. It fell, rushed, out of my grasp, just like you with me, I thought. I stared at the writing instrument, blankly, my mind wandering, sifting through thoughts as murky as swirling storm drains...Where's the storm in our lives? I decided to write later, maybe when the weather is more unpredictable .

7 days Later
Milan, Italy

She pulls me close. Her incredibly dark hair is so... so.. Invigorating, attractive, exotic. The curl of her Italian lips invites my touch, her features desiring mine.
The beautiful shops below have stopped their hustle and flow, and are only a faint murmur in the ever so near distance. Our conversation we've had since we met at the pool has carried on, her lingering voice wavering slightly like smoke in the dusky air. The chair I sit on feels weak, sweaty, as if I could fall through these weaved patterns, ruining this moment.
She smiles, and politely asks me in broken English to step closer. We're on a terrace overlooking a small vineyard of ruby tomatoes and a smattering of olive trees. The air is rich, heavy in heat and feeling. Her cheeks are flushed, a dark rouge, complimenting the fallibility within her eyes. The glowing of the red lantern to our right flickers, once, twice, before it reignites, mimicking my own heart rate. That feeling where the air stops, our faces begin to slant down, and our feet won't touch the ground wash over me. Her tall, beautiful frame is everything I need. Man desires this.
We lean in. But I know this isn't right, isn't what I want, and isn't best for me. I gently pull away and whisper to her 'I'm sorry."
I give pace to a faster step and leave her in disbelief.

14 days Later
Toronto, Canada

I spin. I see her, the real girl for me. I hold her. We fade, casting our cares to the stars, like comets on summer nights. My shivers make me sigh. My sighs make your mouth curl into a smile. Undefinable, perfect, stable. Commitment foreseeable.