Nobody said it was easy

It's such a foggy night and you were way too close to my heart to be this far away.
You know when you've had a long day, and you're walking inside the door of your house and relief washes over you knowing that you're home, you're safe, time to relax? You remember, you kick back your feet, put on the kettle, rummage through the cupboards to put food on the table? A few texts to friends, chatter from the TV, all noise to distract one's self as part of the routine.
You're the same way to me. A delectable, beautiful feeling. Comforting. Perfect routine.

You know what? It's been too long, come home now. I mean it, I really do.
The mind goes into overdrive left unchecked; the long drives home, the subway clacking, cars honking, faint wail of an ambulance, city life. The beginning of the end when snow begins to fall.

Not that I should be afraid, oh no.
Fear is whatever we allow ourselves to be intimidated by. But it is that feeling when you're very alone, about to close your eyes at night, the lonely thoughts creep into our mind that we deny even exist. We buy pets, fancy cars, and shop at stores we can't afford, while we accept more hours at work. All the while we forget what was once most important to us. That feeling of contentment.

And in some way I don't feel it's fair to say that you or I would be content simply because of one person, because in all honesty, that is a great amount now of pressure on that special someone to make you content. It is simply impossible to make somebody happy all the time.
This being said, once you can dig down within yourself, whether it's lying drunk, face up on a stranger's bed after a night at the bar, or sitting alone at a dinner table set for one, being content starts within. Because only then, can the journey set sail with another special person.

Let us think more of how we can be better well rounded individuals, people that genuinely inspire others. Because once we realize our intricate value, and what we can offer to others, only then can we appreciate someone who recognizes these traits and accepts you for them. And loneliness? It fades fast, right?

Worn out places

We know that the hardest part of being human
Is feeling no expression.
The worst type of hurt no longer feels like pain.
Running circles is how we play this game;
crossing over, falling over, rolling over.

If a grave is death, and I'm about one step in
Then save my soul for what this mad world is
A spiral of untrained muscle, sinewed strength, dazzling fear
If we're about to become emotional, impressive, affectionate
Then make it so, because we all know
you don't belong here, you don't belong here.

If we could give ourselves a clandestine opportunity
One that truly gave us immunity from our fears, would we?
Heartbreak, stress, and the ache that you feel when you
Wake up and your pillow is cold and you can't see right
And everything feels so uptight and your eyes are black,
The ceiling is crashing down upon you, and you are
all alone, all alone.

Now do this for me, do it for me now
Take me to the place that I begged for your love
Where everything I said was never enough
Where the rain stopped and yet the tears began
I needed you now like I needed you then
Let's make this last to the very end
always.

It's a war within myself

Tear this up and throw it out. Burn my letters, and forget the nights of Survivor where we'd play stranded alone on the island we called your white bed sheets, surrounded by the deep ocean of blankets, beside the beaches of white pillows. Where our sparks flying kept the small fire burning and the unstable, wooden raft of emotions provided our only escape. We knew to keep our thoughts away from the white, circular patterned stucco clouds on the ceiling which always came rushing down upon us - you knew better than me where our old memories hang from. Force your smile now, make these words about you, because isn't that what I'm trying to do? Make you think, compare myself to what you wanted before we were through? Exasperate love that isn't there, make an innocent situation convoluted, because that's what we were meant to pursue. This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but wasn't it better before this? It's time to be brand new, be brave, spring out who you are, and be who you've never been. I'm never going to be a Doctor, but I know your heart was something special.

Later as the island washes away in the wind, I just want you to think.

Nothing can save us from the fallout

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal

For a clean break, nothing can save me
From your lack of touch to the weight of your words
I learned this the hard way, and I realized that when things are going great, the harder you will get hurt
It's 2AM and I lost a friend, now save me, I'm calling for you
You've got out of my head, and I don't know who to turn too
I want you to know, I've got this strange condition
Of what I want you to know,
Of what you've done to me
Of what I've finally let go

It's not that I felt weak when things were piling up and up and out control
I tell myself this hurt will disappear the longer you're away from here, while I'm stuck in this hole
Can't you see that I am weak when I am lost without you?
Can't you see that I am scared?
Hear me, I'm sure I've changed for you, too late I know

We step one through three, back to the bar, free shots all night until the light shines on the walls
The same walls where I put your back into the plaster, where our laughs kept up the neighbors,
Where we made that night last forever
The slow dances, the wedding toasts to best friends starting on a new life together
I remember promising myself we'd be on that podium one day later,
I promised, I promised
I know my eyes can't shut like they used too, I even washed my sheets because they felt like you

There is no second chances, and I know I've learned a lesson
Don't be afraid to take second chances, why end something so good for the sake of pride so shallow?
And we begin all over again, finding that someone, but right now I can't think of another pretty girl when it's your ghost hovering in my brain, your heart grasping mine, mine, mine
Now we're lying alone on our back, the ceiling screaming down upon us
I'm breathing in ragged short stops, while you're crying in that pretty white dress
That dress once white is now black, like the darkness of your hair, your heart

I think it honestly all boils down to insecurity
Because if you feel insecure about yourself, how are you supposed to deal with
Insecurities and the fears of others?
You can't, because it's like teaching geography when you think the earth is flat
In the same way, when you don't call or try to reach me
I can't deal with you and your games, as lame as that may be
We're supposed to be dating and you're out with what's his name
It's an hour past that I've been waiting for you, now whose to blame?
You would make this so easy, because it's all so logical,
Unfortunately the heart never chooses where it wants to follow
Well I love you so much but do me a favor, baby, don't reply

Soundtrack to my life

A hot sweaty summer evening
the empty myspace messages, the flirting texts, the girl we kissed with no regrets
it's this time to imagine, to rehash our lives
time to imagine seeing life with wide open eyes

We're crossing streets, skipping in the air, besides the James river
we're on the Skytrain in Vancouver, wayfarer's fixed firmly in place
I'm back waving goodbye once more to the Rocky Mountains, girls hugging my waist

Please God let me say goodbye to this once and for all
I can't stand to live in a place where I've never been loved,
scrawl your words of distaste on my chest,
it's better when I left you alone, better than the rest

Rain is the closest feeling to home.

Your imaginary arms have never felt so close to my chest,
Resting, pressing your palms of your hand into mine.
The drizzling drops of water condense outside my old, dusty, window.
It seems as if the clouds have sprung a leak, billowing forth droplets
Of rain, of tears, of feelings.
Where are you tonight?

I clutch old letters as tight as my hands will allow ... I wish your skin wrapped itself around my fingers, your breath on the nape of my neck.
The bright calm of the still early dawn keeps my eyes from drifting asleep,
Like a cold dark coal, it seals up all warmth, everything I've wanted ...
From you ...

It's only then, at the time where I've wanted you the most, I've realized
You're so far gone.

your song on the radio.

It starts slow and than the bridge begins to build to the chorus, thoughts soaring in my head.
My neck begins to crease, my eyes begin to light up
And I gently turn up the volume of the stereo

I'm struck suddenly; the hairs on my neck stand on end and I feel weak
After all, sometimes it's the strongest memories from such a simple song that
Are caught beneath the landslide of life
You forget about these things and you let it go,
Slide, drain, empty from inside you
But still, there's a faint residue of remembrance of what used to be
Of phone calls at five in the morning
Sleeping in, sending texts you always wanted to save
Thinking of our demise makes me sick, and I think you should know,
No one has ever felt the way I felt about you

It hurts to think,
It's a little impossible to keep on this drive
And worse, I wish I never turned on the radio
Sometimes I wish it was just you and I, summer of 05

Some day you will find me
I know you will find me
After all, you knew me best
And you tried to hold on better than the rest

Move for me

I truly feel rested and prepared for what is ahead. My nerves have settled.
Move for me. I'll move for you.
DJ, turn the lights down, let the speakers flow their sound.
It's a sight that should always be repeated. Tangled arms, interwoven features, no chance for escape.
The stars have never shone so bright.
I hold this moment, clenched teeth erase a betraying of my own fear, substanceless.
I feel every junction of your body pulsing subsequently in time with my own.
The greatest part of your being is your ability to throw me haphazardly, into you so deeply.
Spiraling into an abyss. Locked in a dungeon. Encaged by your legs and fingers.
There's a specific beauty to your collarbones, a sharp point of contention, rising from the depths of your skin
It is you, that drives my soul, where I lose control.

Fantasy

It's you and me
Tantalizing, arousing, spinning
Illustrative, enraptured, cognoscenti
Whirling, staggering, equanimity
The weight of your heart on my shoulders.
Dreaming, swirling, tempting,
Contumaciously we hold this.
Unanticipated, breathtaking, unforeseen
Desultory, overwhelming, captivating
We deliquesce.

Raindrop Trails

A man needs his element
That is, the decompression of his desires and identity
An explosion consisting of decisions, thoughts, and dreams
The unexplainable tabula rasa experiences that man seeks to discover
Resulting in definitive thesis that man was all born without emotion
Incapable of any thoughtful nature

Rain presses its undefinable shape deep into the pane
The glossy figures swerve and slide their way
Down, down, into the drain
The trail marks left behind speak of a voyage that has never
Been experienced, endured, or studied
It's the same way with a man's thoughts,
The tragic conditioning of a torrential waterfall
Of emotions, tears, feelings and the cure for

This wind is cold to the man
It's a breeze that chills to the core
Vulnerable and resistant to feelings you abhor
It's so much easier to ignore than to restore
Why change attitudes or behaviors when yes sir, you'll take one more
On the rocks, keep your heart locked,
Let that breeze roll in, you see that star?
It's not shining for you anymore

The dripping of water, the eyes pressed to the glass
The hot smudge of breath creates a whirling, damp, fog
The chills on the neck and the memories from the moon's trek
Across the smolten sky, now begin to illuminate a shadow of the room
It's as if fears resemble empty space in life
Scampering, winding, transposing themselves beyond all identity
Pull that coat close sir, pull it tight
The ache in your throat, it's alright