My life

Malaga, Spain

The faint roar of crashing waves rolling in matches the aura of the fresh, salty air. I lightly tread to the end of the veranda, my brow tightened slightly, my eyes squinting in the bright light of the early dawn. As one other hand pulled my drink closer to my mouth, the other gripped the pen upon which I was to write.
"Commitment is a large undertaking for man, my querito", I began to write. I glanced below and saw the sun in it's full entirety, break through the open sky, a deep lasting fire. Following what it does, everyday, a predictable routine, same old same old. What I'm so afraid of.
I looked up, as I gently allowed my pen to fall from my clenched fingers, and it rushed downwards, loudly landing on the wood boards below. It fell, rushed, out of my grasp, just like you with me, I thought. I stared at the writing instrument, blankly, my mind wandering, sifting through thoughts as murky as swirling storm drains...Where's the storm in our lives? I decided to write later, maybe when the weather is more unpredictable .

7 days Later
Milan, Italy

She pulls me close. Her incredibly dark hair is so... so.. Invigorating, attractive, exotic. The curl of her Italian lips invites my touch, her features desiring mine.
The beautiful shops below have stopped their hustle and flow, and are only a faint murmur in the ever so near distance. Our conversation we've had since we met at the pool has carried on, her lingering voice wavering slightly like smoke in the dusky air. The chair I sit on feels weak, sweaty, as if I could fall through these weaved patterns, ruining this moment.
She smiles, and politely asks me in broken English to step closer. We're on a terrace overlooking a small vineyard of ruby tomatoes and a smattering of olive trees. The air is rich, heavy in heat and feeling. Her cheeks are flushed, a dark rouge, complimenting the fallibility within her eyes. The glowing of the red lantern to our right flickers, once, twice, before it reignites, mimicking my own heart rate. That feeling where the air stops, our faces begin to slant down, and our feet won't touch the ground wash over me. Her tall, beautiful frame is everything I need. Man desires this.
We lean in. But I know this isn't right, isn't what I want, and isn't best for me. I gently pull away and whisper to her 'I'm sorry."
I give pace to a faster step and leave her in disbelief.

14 days Later
Toronto, Canada

I spin. I see her, the real girl for me. I hold her. We fade, casting our cares to the stars, like comets on summer nights. My shivers make me sigh. My sighs make your mouth curl into a smile. Undefinable, perfect, stable. Commitment foreseeable.

The Window.

I can't write anymore.

It feels like no matter what I think sounds the same.

Darken your room.

"I'm afraid there's a hole in my brain.
The type where you can see through, expose your soul too.
This is visionary, just like the way I say your feelings out loud, is scary."

As I write these words, a small fragment of inspiration crosses my brain. It's a creasing thought that winds its way down, chilling my innermost thoughts.
For every element that I add to my personality, I develop a new line of thought – I become more aware. From gas, I turn into vapor and from vapor I turn into a solid block of what I want to be. But that’s not inspiration, that’s self-improvement and that’s a human instinct – which is to evolve. This can't be inspiration.

Possibly, I'm so unconsciously aware of my own inspiration, my own efforts, my resolve to dedicate myself to certain tasks or goals. Is it necessary that for my thoughts to be yet so opaque to myself, but so clear to others? Do I allow myself the reasonable amount of proper justification for my own actions? I understand that for an action to occur, there must be an inspiration, a type of thought to take place that instigates my action.

Now, back to my thoughts in my head;

"I said we'll run until the sun burns out
Until our eyes no longer blink,
Who wants to run until the sun burns out
Until the shades are pulled dark
Where the red spots under our eyes lie about the other times
When the weight of your skin is more than the weight you pull with your mouth
Close those blinds, they don't lie
After all, what you can't see, you can't deny
Darken your room, shut me out, consume me."

The shallows.

Wind chimes sound in the distance, resonating through the cool air. The sun, with its faint rays settling in the distance, slightly illuminated the murky, shallow water. A cold breeze rustled across the water and lightly caused her hair to stand on end; I was wearing more clothes than her. This lake we were on was largely a great sandbar, the deepest part of this great expanse was 20 feet in the middle; how aberrant and unfamiliar it looked at night, unable to see to the bottom. The darkness of the water stared right back at me, it was as if God had taken a great brush and had swept the surface with a depressing black, as if it were a polluted oil which had oppressively taken over this shallow, empty lake. She turned to look at me, her hair gracefully tumbling over her shoulders, and her dark brown eyes catching mine, holding contact, holding her emotions inside her. This wasn't like we imagined it would be like. A sharp crackle appeared behind us. I slowly craned my neck and looked behind us. The pools of darkness behind us made it indistinguishable to see physical shapes at all. She spoke, softly, but with great meaning, "Are you sure this is what you want?"
I looked back down at the dock, admiring the creaking, sagging, and weatherbeaten boards. It was like us, taking a lot of stress, holding to the breaking point, but still putting up, shutting up, making it work. It wasn't that I had no feelings for her, after all, one glance at her features would make a normal man a babbling, awkward fool, it was just ...
She touched my hand, and spoke again, "Are you alright?" I finally mobilized myself to completely face her. With the fading light, I could barely make out her face. Her tanned skin and excessively white teeth seemed so vain to me at this moment. Her slim, tall frame looked as if it had been folded, and her knees were at her chest, resting, waiting, commiserating for her. I replied. "I'm alright." She looked away, her dark hair fleeing me, her face betraying her fear, of losing me.
My thoughts ran, escaped my mind. Back to how we'd first met each other, how we'd began to be great friends before we began to be lovers. How intertwined our lives were, where her hand was in mine whenever we were together. It's unfortunate how a span of events began to spiral, twist and lead to places we could never have foreseen, ever. The chill of the air began to set in on us hard. She moved closer, her hand resting near mine, her fingers gripped tightly together. When she told me she wanted me forever, I began to pull away. After all, we're too young, I'm way too dumb, and this won't last forever... was I really "too legit too commit"?
I looked over and swept her dark hair away, it felt so good to touch her.
"I don't know where this is going," I said.
She looked down for a while. I tilted her chin up, her eyes searching, peering, and intruding my space, breaking me down like I am helpless and there is nothing else.
"Forget where we should have left off," she whispered, her voice wavering, flickering at the end of her sentence.
I lightly grabbed her arm, as she resisted, and began to pull away, her beautiful lips not trembling, but her face creasing in hurt.
"Stop this," I proclaimed, my voice echoing harshly over the water.
I couldn't do this, and I can't walk away, when she cares so much about me.
The water, as beautiful as it was, is based on a shallow, a superficial foundation, just like me.
I push away those who get too close to me, was it out of fear, or a lack of commitment? Or worse, was it because I couldn't trust those who want to know me best?
I looked at her, closed my eyes, and drew her in. I want this girl.
She deserved someone so much better.

Fantasy

It's you and me
Tantalizing, arousing, spinning
Illustrative, enraptured, cognoscenti
Whirling, staggering, equanimity
The weight of your heart on my shoulders.
Dreaming, swirling, tempting,
Contumaciously we hold this.
Unanticipated, breathtaking, unforeseen
Desultory, overwhelming, captivating
We deliquesce.

Unpredictable seas.

You keep me hanging on, practically pulling me in
Pushing my thoughts out, let me take ahold of you
Grasp my hands, break me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
After all, without us, without this,
We'll be doing these circles in distress
So keep me hanging on, when I'm around you
I'm totally all that you know is right
Your heart says yes, your head says stay tonight
You're everything that excites me
Could this be out of sight, for you to be the only one
I would take a shot on.
Let's push your back onto this cold hard pavement
Remove this barrier of predictability, I'm hoping to
Make this out of line, break you down with
Intertwined fingers and my vulnerable emotions
You're not the only one girl, and you won't be the last
But I'm willing to sail onto the seas, our flag at full mast
The seas rough, tossing, unpredictable.
Like us.

The Ropes

She stares out through the pane of glass
It’s hard to see when it’s blurring
Outside the sky is clear, the sun is dying
Her boyfriend is now unknown
He’s got her best friend on the phone
His dirty clothes, or all the names he calls her
The greatest part of him is how they once were
When everything now is about him, things about her don't matter
There's nothing to be said to change that part
Except when he calls her, he resists her heart

It's 11pm on a Friday night, she's dressed to kill
Everything the boys want, the girls will admire
He's going to leave her, retire for the night
He’s got her best friend that’s just right
I smile after she comes over,
She sees me lying next to her awake, eyes half shut
But totally afraid, repenting for what
We both know is going to take place
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Nothing you say can stop her from going home

It's a quarter to six, with words I thought I'd never speak
You pull that sheet close
The light makes our eyes weak
She’s fading, along with her hopes
Hanging on the ropes
He doesn't know anything about her