The lights in life

Never had the lights shone so bright before. I remember kissing you, right then and there. The air was hot, incredibly stale. Humidity that rolled over you in waves, crashing down on our brows. Your eyes were lit up, lighting my life, revealing what you've always wanted. Sweet desire. Like we're made for this moment, tingling feelings that creep down our spines, the rush of silence minus the buzzing of the park lights. Oh so bright, wisping away the dark screams in your eyes, suffocating the space between what was real and what was a lie. I remember you telling him you wanted someone who would pull you close around anyone, without any caution to the world. Your long hair was dark and your skin white, like before we met. I'm not sure what's missing now, but I'm sure you can fix it.

Sitting by a broken tree, we made that moment never end. Every part about you, the thousand hours spent in silence, as you spilt out your life, drop by drop onto my heart. The boy that never made you happy, never made you want to get up in the morning. If he couldn't do that, why was he living?
It wasn't the garden in the park that made this moment seem too real, the harsh feel of your denim jacket on my skin, the icey feel of your skin after we finished. No one else could care for you like I do. I knew then, after that kiss, it was hard to breathe, I wouldn't give you space, would I?

You made my palms sweat, and that was rare. Normally I sweat only in final playoff hockey games, or when I lost money at the bar, unable to buy you drinks. But you made my hands feel sticky, which I love, because I feel like I'm stuck with you. Your hand on my waist made my throat feel constricted, my eyes closed tight... He never made you feel that way, when you put your hands around his waist, he never returned the affection. I watched.

You know when I tripped down the set of stairs beside the lake and fell in? Then when you went to pull me up, I dragged you in? I tripped deliberately, I needed you, right then. The shadow on your face, it went white. You began to trust me, brought someone like me right into your life. While I heard every detail of the life of your last boy, I was dreaming of being your savior. I could've drowned you, snuffed out your pretty little life. Instead, I saved you, because that's the type of person I am.

So here's my heart, and here's my mouth, let these words fill the page, and I can't help if things come out. I can't help if the parts of me that you hate, are parts I could never cut out. Because you mean that to me, your hand in mine. Hold my hand already, keep me steady? For the love you bring, over everything, you're everything I need under the sun.

When I slashed into him, my first stab sliced deep into his chest. The red river poured forth from him, rushing over my feet, running down my hands. The pooling of the red river resembled the stream of tears I carried for you, the one disaster I always prevented. The last thing on your mind is what I could be for you - but take a look at me now, I'm everything you never had. And deep down, isn't that what we've always wanted all along?

I'm down on my knees in this cold, dark cell, my heart racing, and my hands clenched like they were back in the park, all over again. Where are the lights, the ones that kept me awake at night? Muffled, gone, removed from my life. My palms aren't sweaty either, if you must know. I won't ever change if you want to stay the same. I'll be your savior, let's start over again?

So this is the truth

Working hard brings no results.
Sorry for no posts, I'll be doing more in the future.
Right now work, school, and hockey occupy my life.
I hope to be back writing when I feel it.
As I am right now, I'm kinda burnt.
Let's wait and see.

Soundtrack to my life

A hot sweaty summer evening
the empty myspace messages, the flirting texts, the girl we kissed with no regrets
it's this time to imagine, to rehash our lives
time to imagine seeing life with wide open eyes

We're crossing streets, skipping in the air, besides the James river
we're on the Skytrain in Vancouver, wayfarer's fixed firmly in place
I'm back waving goodbye once more to the Rocky Mountains, girls hugging my waist

Please God let me say goodbye to this once and for all
I can't stand to live in a place where I've never been loved,
scrawl your words of distaste on my chest,
it's better when I left you alone, better than the rest

Shooting stars scream

The slight rush of the river filled his ears in unison with the chirping of insects as he gradually opened his eyes and began to awake. His fists were sore as he began to rub the outside of his eyes, the cracked skin and the pressure on his elbows feeling unable to support his weight. The air feels coarse and his back seems to stick to the hammock underneath him; the room is black, a pitch lighter than tar, but thicker than midnight. He took a step out of the makeshift cabin, silently cursing the darkness, the steep grade of the hill to the murky river, and the bites on his skin. Pain lashed through his torso from the insects of a jungle so uncontrollable by man, dominated by nature. The raft for his journey, into the unknown, lay ahead. Latching onto the the small raft by its moorings and settling himself, he pushed off, listening to the interaction of nature in utter delight. In the near distance he could see a small caiman, the underbelly shining white in the streaming strands of moonlight, before it shimmered into the water. He floated on his back looking at the stars, avoiding what was next. Coconut trees bent into the river and watched him float by. A shattered tree. Yellow bamboo stalks wept, surveying his passage. The wayward cry of a macaw forewarned his journey, echoing, echoing, echoing.

He reached the swamp. He flipped the raft over onto the shore and began to swim in the gloomy water, now upstream, unable to see or feel. The river had narrowed, making it impossible to push a raft through with the obstruction by brush, logs, and unknown creatures. Small fish pecked at his feet, packing around him, more daring by every stroke. The razor sharp rocks cut his feet. The swim against the current made every breath feel louder than the inhalation of the thick, cloudy air. He turned towards the banks for one last look, treading water, feeling foolish for being so sure. So certain.

When he saw her, the detonation almost destroyed him. He almost was unable to stay afloat, and it took all of his strength to tread water. She couldn't yet see him in the darkness. A floating coconut if she wasn't looking. He took his time, watching her.
Had he known that he was about to enter a place where the only part of him left in the open would be his own transgressions?
Perhaps, or maybe not.

He began to swim towards her slowly, cutting a swath in the water in utter silence. The creases of water on the muddy water rippled towards her legs, causing her legs to quiver. She saw him as he began to stand up, her eyes telling a story which even in words, could empty all of the words on paper. The moonlight wasn't particularly lustrous or strong, but it was bright enough. For them. They grasped each other and their mouths met. It was a tangle of desperate desires and a grasp of the truth. He needed this, he needed her, now. His eyes took in the dimples of her skin, the hair, oh the thick, beautiful hair...
She knew this may be the last, but the only time that the world was his. The fish. The sky. The mud. The shooting stars. He moved so easily through it, and she admired his beauty. His eyes revealed more than he had ever showed her before. It was his world and she was more than glad to be apart of it.
She wasn't thinking now, and neither was he. Triumphant smiles and knowing grins lay ahead. But that was all later.

He stood entirely before her, water dripping off of him, drawing a pool between them. That pool contained their hopes and dreams, their aspirations. Soon to be washed away in the jungle rains.
He pulled her in and she pulled him closer. Her clothing off, he began to take her. They collapse.
Like the very foundations they were based on.
Stars overhead scream.

Vices of the heart;

I was born to be different. Crash into me, pull your waves into me. Wash over me, you're a tidal wave, you're a big surprise. The scent of your skin fills me with happiness, if this is how I have to learn to love, so be it. Fingers, chapped lips, breezes that roll back my skin, delicate dances in the dark. I was born to feel the slightest withdrawal from your heart, I'm programmed to miss your voice. Half of me won't let me keep loving you, I was raised to avoid this loneliness that has settled in, show me another way to feel your warmth of your flesh. I'm fine putting your picture on my wall, but I won't stop it if it decides to fall.

This just goes out to way too many shots at the bar, unsober thoughts in my car, we go slow when we first make our moves, lying awake thinking of how I hold you. I'd put you onto your back in your bed like you had given your very last breath; make you scream my name in the only way you can. You can beat me with your angry words until your throat runs out, but remember, it's just words that are empty, isn't that right?

It's 2004 and this part is perfect, it's not the slight rain outside or the dark in your room, it's the falling for every empty word I say. It's the music that slightly fades away, your bareness of your skin, the impropriety of these sins. Why is it that I think too much, when the past is only the future with the lights on?

Gripping my empty shirt, balance my words with the games you play. Life is not for fun and fame, it's the disintegration of the heart, held by the strength of your words when you were single, ready to play. It's like yeah, I'm sure these problems will last more than the weekend, but I'm not scared to see where this goes, cause this is fucking incredible.

Driving south paints the yellow lines with a hazy glow while the dying sun is fading in my rear window. And these times that I know, no matter what's going to happen, don't you think we could work something out? We will concentrate on falling apart, because that's what I'm made to do, produce and corrupt wonders like you.

I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply

Rain is the closest feeling to home.

Your imaginary arms have never felt so close to my chest,
Resting, pressing your palms of your hand into mine.
The drizzling drops of water condense outside my old, dusty, window.
It seems as if the clouds have sprung a leak, billowing forth droplets
Of rain, of tears, of feelings.
Where are you tonight?

I clutch old letters as tight as my hands will allow ... I wish your skin wrapped itself around my fingers, your breath on the nape of my neck.
The bright calm of the still early dawn keeps my eyes from drifting asleep,
Like a cold dark coal, it seals up all warmth, everything I've wanted ...
From you ...

It's only then, at the time where I've wanted you the most, I've realized
You're so far gone.

Let your heart feel better.

I know that aching feeling deep down,
the one where you want everything to be like it was, forever
And when we met I felt my chest pound fast,
racing for the chance
to know you, to hold you

I've done the math, I'm less than half
We're better off together
You are not alone;
Fight those tears back,
Let your heart feel better

Now this weight holds me down
And sadly let us enjoy our last moments,
Listen to our hearts beat together
Let it make your heart feel better