It's a war within myself

Tear this up and throw it out. Burn my letters, and forget the nights of Survivor where we'd play stranded alone on the island we called your white bed sheets, surrounded by the deep ocean of blankets, beside the beaches of white pillows. Where our sparks flying kept the small fire burning and the unstable, wooden raft of emotions provided our only escape. We knew to keep our thoughts away from the white, circular patterned stucco clouds on the ceiling which always came rushing down upon us - you knew better than me where our old memories hang from. Force your smile now, make these words about you, because isn't that what I'm trying to do? Make you think, compare myself to what you wanted before we were through? Exasperate love that isn't there, make an innocent situation convoluted, because that's what we were meant to pursue. This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but wasn't it better before this? It's time to be brand new, be brave, spring out who you are, and be who you've never been. I'm never going to be a Doctor, but I know your heart was something special.

Later as the island washes away in the wind, I just want you to think.

Simply falling.

Simply falling for you makes me want to be 17 forever.
Kind of like the Metro Station song, but more so because of the waves of feelings that wash over me.
The part where you close your eyes, and you just remember your past, parts of your mind that you tried to block out (hold me back, I can't keep this in)
Your first kiss, your heart beating when you first held hands, the one mistake you made forever
That one night where you did something you've always wanted, the infatuation and I love you's, the part where you two danced the night away

It's not just the fact that you made this together, you were naive young and so was I, your first cuddle in the dark, the one night where you just wanted everything to be all right, the sense of disrepair as you know exactly where to take me

Sheets in unfashionable array, staring into your eyes at midnight, Taylor Swift singalongs and Twilight, early hockey games at seven thirty, choking out your cutting words in our fight, so into you that it hurts to breathe, knowing you won't be able to sleep this off tonight

It's the sinking feeling in the air that you won't be the same after me.
Let's get away from this all, Lasalle or Lowville Park,
Back to the basics, no more question marks
Let's make this right, you won't be this age forever
Tell me the chance hasn't passed us by,
Cause girl the stars have never shined so bright
Slowly...

Falling Apart.

Heat escapades

Just like a dream immerses you, wraps you tight, brings nightmares to reality
We collide, spin, entangle ourselves.
I awake, my heart lightly beating within my chest.
Shutters opened a small peek allow me to see the light of our early morning
Your hair dances in the dusty glow of the unlit room,
Our hands draped together, crisscrossed fingers and hands on my shoulders,
The knowing feeling that we're only about to get warmer.

The faint glimmer in your eyes reveals your morning awakening.
You yawn, pull yourself closer, and we brush cheeks
Your beautiful dark eyes, and the traces of long lost sleep fold over you
Causing silent heat waves to simmer below our covers.
Maybe I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you.
I want to stay like this forever.

Getting the chills

It's been two years later, and it's deja vu.
You learn to love and learn to move on too.
You can't take what you've learned until you've put it into application.
You can't be the person who stands up and tells people what to do, even if you're a preacher, until you follow your own words and do it yourself.
Twice in one month I've learned to love and let go of myself - there's more to this world than what we can see.
In so many way, relationships are a great mystery,
The first dance where you get to know each other, where you hide parts that you feel insecure or unsafe showing (If I told the truth on everything we wouldn't work out, would we?)
The second dance where you truly get to know each other (I swear I can go on forever)
The third dance is where you learn to work through each other's differences (Please let me know that my one bad day will end)
And the final fourth dance is where you learn to love each other (I'm lost without you).

And I think these truly sum up what we go through, as humanity.
Now this isn't a rule, and definitely isn't a guideline for how relationships work.
Deftly we work our way through our feelings of discontent for the sake of passion.
Remembering life lessons, like it was taught in school, is a good way to move on.
Easy does it, easy does it.
Always be prepared though to be hurt, whenever you are prepared to hit the runway.

I don't always say this, but I never thought I would be the one saying these things.
Seriously, don't we understand the damage constantly picking up and moving on does?

Adorable.

"When we're with someone we think we'll be with forever, our thinking is so two-dimensional -- we see life in terms of "before" and "after" this person. I think what makes heartbreak and loss so hard is the stretching of your mind to include three dimensions instead of two -- forever always existed, just different than you imagined it. It's like when you're walking down a staircase and you think there's one more step so you step down, and your foot collides with the wood floor -- hard. It was always there. You just never saw it. You couldn't. The harshest realization? Humans can control a lot of things... but not all".
- AR

The air is cold

It's about time I realized that what I've wanted is where I used to be.
The scraping of the city that dulled my ears when I drove to school everyday.
The cold door slam of the arena door as I left the Oval in pitch dark night, dragging my tired soul to parking lot eleven.

The air is cold, the wind brings upon a shuddering chill. It was the season between fall and winter, where the air is cold enough for snow, but the heavens haven't released their flurry of offerings. After a long class dealing with macroeconomics and global supply and demand, I hastily pack up my books and head across campus. I'm about to walk to my car, probably see a fresh ticket on my windshield, when I catch the eye of this girl about twenty five feet to my right, entering MacEwan student centre.
She's beautiful. Just below shoulder length brown hair, and the most gorgeous brown eyes I've ever seen. I recognized her, it was like I tried to place her in my mind but I could not realize where we had met. I shuffled a little faster to get to the door after her, before it closed. We entered the student centre together, my mind racing to try to place her.

Later we would agree that my nervousness in approaching in her, and her realizing that this guy was following her, would make her turn around and approach me.
"Do I know you? I think I've seen you before." She smiled, she was genuine.
Now as a warning to others out there to NOT reply like me, my response was rather ridiculous.
"Yeah, I'm Tyler, we should kick it like a field goal." She kind of gave me a poker face, then her brilliant white teeth began to shine.

If this is college, then fail me

It wasn't that long ago, now was it? Oh wait, still my life!

Nothing can save us from the fallout

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal

For a clean break, nothing can save me
From your lack of touch to the weight of your words
I learned this the hard way, and I realized that when things are going great, the harder you will get hurt
It's 2AM and I lost a friend, now save me, I'm calling for you
You've got out of my head, and I don't know who to turn too
I want you to know, I've got this strange condition
Of what I want you to know,
Of what you've done to me
Of what I've finally let go

It's not that I felt weak when things were piling up and up and out control
I tell myself this hurt will disappear the longer you're away from here, while I'm stuck in this hole
Can't you see that I am weak when I am lost without you?
Can't you see that I am scared?
Hear me, I'm sure I've changed for you, too late I know

We step one through three, back to the bar, free shots all night until the light shines on the walls
The same walls where I put your back into the plaster, where our laughs kept up the neighbors,
Where we made that night last forever
The slow dances, the wedding toasts to best friends starting on a new life together
I remember promising myself we'd be on that podium one day later,
I promised, I promised
I know my eyes can't shut like they used too, I even washed my sheets because they felt like you

There is no second chances, and I know I've learned a lesson
Don't be afraid to take second chances, why end something so good for the sake of pride so shallow?
And we begin all over again, finding that someone, but right now I can't think of another pretty girl when it's your ghost hovering in my brain, your heart grasping mine, mine, mine
Now we're lying alone on our back, the ceiling screaming down upon us
I'm breathing in ragged short stops, while you're crying in that pretty white dress
That dress once white is now black, like the darkness of your hair, your heart

I think it honestly all boils down to insecurity
Because if you feel insecure about yourself, how are you supposed to deal with
Insecurities and the fears of others?
You can't, because it's like teaching geography when you think the earth is flat
In the same way, when you don't call or try to reach me
I can't deal with you and your games, as lame as that may be
We're supposed to be dating and you're out with what's his name
It's an hour past that I've been waiting for you, now whose to blame?
You would make this so easy, because it's all so logical,
Unfortunately the heart never chooses where it wants to follow
Well I love you so much but do me a favor, baby, don't reply

The lights in life

Never had the lights shone so bright before. I remember kissing you, right then and there. The air was hot, incredibly stale. Humidity that rolled over you in waves, crashing down on our brows. Your eyes were lit up, lighting my life, revealing what you've always wanted. Sweet desire. Like we're made for this moment, tingling feelings that creep down our spines, the rush of silence minus the buzzing of the park lights. Oh so bright, wisping away the dark screams in your eyes, suffocating the space between what was real and what was a lie. I remember you telling him you wanted someone who would pull you close around anyone, without any caution to the world. Your long hair was dark and your skin white, like before we met. I'm not sure what's missing now, but I'm sure you can fix it.

Sitting by a broken tree, we made that moment never end. Every part about you, the thousand hours spent in silence, as you spilt out your life, drop by drop onto my heart. The boy that never made you happy, never made you want to get up in the morning. If he couldn't do that, why was he living?
It wasn't the garden in the park that made this moment seem too real, the harsh feel of your denim jacket on my skin, the icey feel of your skin after we finished. No one else could care for you like I do. I knew then, after that kiss, it was hard to breathe, I wouldn't give you space, would I?

You made my palms sweat, and that was rare. Normally I sweat only in final playoff hockey games, or when I lost money at the bar, unable to buy you drinks. But you made my hands feel sticky, which I love, because I feel like I'm stuck with you. Your hand on my waist made my throat feel constricted, my eyes closed tight... He never made you feel that way, when you put your hands around his waist, he never returned the affection. I watched.

You know when I tripped down the set of stairs beside the lake and fell in? Then when you went to pull me up, I dragged you in? I tripped deliberately, I needed you, right then. The shadow on your face, it went white. You began to trust me, brought someone like me right into your life. While I heard every detail of the life of your last boy, I was dreaming of being your savior. I could've drowned you, snuffed out your pretty little life. Instead, I saved you, because that's the type of person I am.

So here's my heart, and here's my mouth, let these words fill the page, and I can't help if things come out. I can't help if the parts of me that you hate, are parts I could never cut out. Because you mean that to me, your hand in mine. Hold my hand already, keep me steady? For the love you bring, over everything, you're everything I need under the sun.

When I slashed into him, my first stab sliced deep into his chest. The red river poured forth from him, rushing over my feet, running down my hands. The pooling of the red river resembled the stream of tears I carried for you, the one disaster I always prevented. The last thing on your mind is what I could be for you - but take a look at me now, I'm everything you never had. And deep down, isn't that what we've always wanted all along?

I'm down on my knees in this cold, dark cell, my heart racing, and my hands clenched like they were back in the park, all over again. Where are the lights, the ones that kept me awake at night? Muffled, gone, removed from my life. My palms aren't sweaty either, if you must know. I won't ever change if you want to stay the same. I'll be your savior, let's start over again?

So this is the truth

Working hard brings no results.
Sorry for no posts, I'll be doing more in the future.
Right now work, school, and hockey occupy my life.
I hope to be back writing when I feel it.
As I am right now, I'm kinda burnt.
Let's wait and see.

Soundtrack to my life

A hot sweaty summer evening
the empty myspace messages, the flirting texts, the girl we kissed with no regrets
it's this time to imagine, to rehash our lives
time to imagine seeing life with wide open eyes

We're crossing streets, skipping in the air, besides the James river
we're on the Skytrain in Vancouver, wayfarer's fixed firmly in place
I'm back waving goodbye once more to the Rocky Mountains, girls hugging my waist

Please God let me say goodbye to this once and for all
I can't stand to live in a place where I've never been loved,
scrawl your words of distaste on my chest,
it's better when I left you alone, better than the rest

Shooting stars scream

The slight rush of the river filled his ears in unison with the chirping of insects as he gradually opened his eyes and began to awake. His fists were sore as he began to rub the outside of his eyes, the cracked skin and the pressure on his elbows feeling unable to support his weight. The air feels coarse and his back seems to stick to the hammock underneath him; the room is black, a pitch lighter than tar, but thicker than midnight. He took a step out of the makeshift cabin, silently cursing the darkness, the steep grade of the hill to the murky river, and the bites on his skin. Pain lashed through his torso from the insects of a jungle so uncontrollable by man, dominated by nature. The raft for his journey, into the unknown, lay ahead. Latching onto the the small raft by its moorings and settling himself, he pushed off, listening to the interaction of nature in utter delight. In the near distance he could see a small caiman, the underbelly shining white in the streaming strands of moonlight, before it shimmered into the water. He floated on his back looking at the stars, avoiding what was next. Coconut trees bent into the river and watched him float by. A shattered tree. Yellow bamboo stalks wept, surveying his passage. The wayward cry of a macaw forewarned his journey, echoing, echoing, echoing.

He reached the swamp. He flipped the raft over onto the shore and began to swim in the gloomy water, now upstream, unable to see or feel. The river had narrowed, making it impossible to push a raft through with the obstruction by brush, logs, and unknown creatures. Small fish pecked at his feet, packing around him, more daring by every stroke. The razor sharp rocks cut his feet. The swim against the current made every breath feel louder than the inhalation of the thick, cloudy air. He turned towards the banks for one last look, treading water, feeling foolish for being so sure. So certain.

When he saw her, the detonation almost destroyed him. He almost was unable to stay afloat, and it took all of his strength to tread water. She couldn't yet see him in the darkness. A floating coconut if she wasn't looking. He took his time, watching her.
Had he known that he was about to enter a place where the only part of him left in the open would be his own transgressions?
Perhaps, or maybe not.

He began to swim towards her slowly, cutting a swath in the water in utter silence. The creases of water on the muddy water rippled towards her legs, causing her legs to quiver. She saw him as he began to stand up, her eyes telling a story which even in words, could empty all of the words on paper. The moonlight wasn't particularly lustrous or strong, but it was bright enough. For them. They grasped each other and their mouths met. It was a tangle of desperate desires and a grasp of the truth. He needed this, he needed her, now. His eyes took in the dimples of her skin, the hair, oh the thick, beautiful hair...
She knew this may be the last, but the only time that the world was his. The fish. The sky. The mud. The shooting stars. He moved so easily through it, and she admired his beauty. His eyes revealed more than he had ever showed her before. It was his world and she was more than glad to be apart of it.
She wasn't thinking now, and neither was he. Triumphant smiles and knowing grins lay ahead. But that was all later.

He stood entirely before her, water dripping off of him, drawing a pool between them. That pool contained their hopes and dreams, their aspirations. Soon to be washed away in the jungle rains.
He pulled her in and she pulled him closer. Her clothing off, he began to take her. They collapse.
Like the very foundations they were based on.
Stars overhead scream.

Vices of the heart;

I was born to be different. Crash into me, pull your waves into me. Wash over me, you're a tidal wave, you're a big surprise. The scent of your skin fills me with happiness, if this is how I have to learn to love, so be it. Fingers, chapped lips, breezes that roll back my skin, delicate dances in the dark. I was born to feel the slightest withdrawal from your heart, I'm programmed to miss your voice. Half of me won't let me keep loving you, I was raised to avoid this loneliness that has settled in, show me another way to feel your warmth of your flesh. I'm fine putting your picture on my wall, but I won't stop it if it decides to fall.

This just goes out to way too many shots at the bar, unsober thoughts in my car, we go slow when we first make our moves, lying awake thinking of how I hold you. I'd put you onto your back in your bed like you had given your very last breath; make you scream my name in the only way you can. You can beat me with your angry words until your throat runs out, but remember, it's just words that are empty, isn't that right?

It's 2004 and this part is perfect, it's not the slight rain outside or the dark in your room, it's the falling for every empty word I say. It's the music that slightly fades away, your bareness of your skin, the impropriety of these sins. Why is it that I think too much, when the past is only the future with the lights on?

Gripping my empty shirt, balance my words with the games you play. Life is not for fun and fame, it's the disintegration of the heart, held by the strength of your words when you were single, ready to play. It's like yeah, I'm sure these problems will last more than the weekend, but I'm not scared to see where this goes, cause this is fucking incredible.

Driving south paints the yellow lines with a hazy glow while the dying sun is fading in my rear window. And these times that I know, no matter what's going to happen, don't you think we could work something out? We will concentrate on falling apart, because that's what I'm made to do, produce and corrupt wonders like you.

I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply

Rain is the closest feeling to home.

Your imaginary arms have never felt so close to my chest,
Resting, pressing your palms of your hand into mine.
The drizzling drops of water condense outside my old, dusty, window.
It seems as if the clouds have sprung a leak, billowing forth droplets
Of rain, of tears, of feelings.
Where are you tonight?

I clutch old letters as tight as my hands will allow ... I wish your skin wrapped itself around my fingers, your breath on the nape of my neck.
The bright calm of the still early dawn keeps my eyes from drifting asleep,
Like a cold dark coal, it seals up all warmth, everything I've wanted ...
From you ...

It's only then, at the time where I've wanted you the most, I've realized
You're so far gone.

Let your heart feel better.

I know that aching feeling deep down,
the one where you want everything to be like it was, forever
And when we met I felt my chest pound fast,
racing for the chance
to know you, to hold you

I've done the math, I'm less than half
We're better off together
You are not alone;
Fight those tears back,
Let your heart feel better

Now this weight holds me down
And sadly let us enjoy our last moments,
Listen to our hearts beat together
Let it make your heart feel better