Everything inside you

Says there's nothing as good as this,
Finding the bottom of that well that you
Were told to never fall into, scolded to stay away from (who knew boys and old water wells were bad for you?)
Who knew that the descent to the bottom would find
The child's play toy, the broken bucket, and we can't forget about the skulls, right?
The skeletons that pulled out of the deep dark murky dredge
Reveal insecurities, flaws, hurt caused by words that cut deeper than the blade of any knife
Rising to the surface it doesn't matter anymore that there is dirt on your hair and that my hands are holding yours way too tight, knuckles white
Just that we're safe and no longer stuck in this deep, deep bottomless expanse
Unable, or worse, unwilling to escape

The Wall

It never felt like this before. When your eyes were on him. Not the eyes that are that vibrant, beautiful, blue-green. He felt like that part of him, the Wall, is falling, East Germany, November, 1991. The unenviable trait of being content, simply on his own begins to fade. It's a wonderful thing how a connection is formed, sacrificing for someone else, the dissipation of one.
Easy smiles, long drives, calculated text messages, Silhouettes by a Swedish house DJ on the car stereo.
She became more real for him.
It's the hand that traces the outline of your creases in the sheets.
The eyes that flit, flutter, dance awake.
The words that make us both shake;
'I'm here to stay'.

When you've given all that you've had before and you've pushed yourself to a point where the only thing you want is to want someone that wants all of you as much as you want them, only then can you really truly find someone.
I never knew this until a cloudy day in July, the sky was dull, grey, threatening to rage against humanity with weapons of mass rainfall.
Remember lying in your bed and the heavens opened? Millions of water droplets began to fall, spiraling, tumbling, rushing their way to earth.
Over our head they crashed, flattened, and streaked off the window pane.

The bedroom pane was more than just a window above us. It was more than just a place for light to enter darkness.
It was a window of our soul. Peering in, you can see heartbreak, distrust, complications.

We couldn't stay away.
And I think ultimately when he began a new start, it wasn't just a new experience, a new relationship, or a new car smell that gradually wears off.
That would be a terrible iteration of vanity, much less a moral improvement.
This was a new beginning. His brain churned like the reverie of the most concussive opiate.
She was worth it. She was perfect.
She is his.

Time for the truth

You know what gets me going? When I see and talk to people (friends included) whose life ambitions include being 'ridiculously drunk last weekend' and 'partying for the nights we can't remember.' I'm tired of this selfish, lazy attitude that is rampant still in my age group. It's normal to go through that stage in University (18-22), but when is enough enough? If I hear another stupid girl tell me how drunk she was last night I think I'll give up on mankind. This attitude of being wild and crazy, living for the moment, is pathetic. What about advancing a career, volunteering, doing something for someone else? What about being useful to society? A lifestyle of partying and getting drunk at 23 is the lowest form of entertainment that way too much of North America is addicted too. Can't get a good job and you're blaming the economy? Stop spending $50 a weekend on alcohol and spend it on gas dropping off resumes, making yourself something of a human with responsibilities - we have it way too good here in North America.
/done

Confirmation: I am slightly feminist

I personally find the conversation between my guy friends during a hockey game, out for drinks, or playing Call of Duty (yeah I said it), the most interesting and revealing about attitudes young men have in regards to women.

I think before I discuss what I said to my friends about their attitudes to women, it's important to understand my views on women and why I truly am, partially feminist. It should be duly noted that my close friends would already know this and others who do not know me well may be partially shocked. As a fairly dominant person, confident in myself and in the views of my ex-girlfriends, "overconfident", I have no qualms in saying that I thrive on women that are similar to myself - confident, in control of themselves at all times, and are comfortable being single and themselves without relying on a man to survive. The expression I like because it is so accurate and perfect for what I envision the most resilient of women is, "A woman who will settle for the right person, but won't be afraid to live without that person." I think women are powerful but yet under appreciated, underpaid, and dismissed far too easily. While I won't discuss all of these points, I'll drive a few of them home.
One side of me may appear to be the Duan Juan/Tucker Max of this generation which generally disregards the essential traits women bring to the equation - such as the creative, personal and affectionate characteristics that men seem to lack, the intellectual, diverse, and goal driven drive to succeed, and even the less aggressive, soothing behavior that acts as a calming effect in situations such as at the negotiation table. Even when situations like last Friday arise, when a girl suddenly becomes super submissive and turns me right off, still matter to me because I can understand where the girl is coming from. This girl asked me, "Tyler, what can I do to make you see me more? Even if we could spend only one hour more a week, I would love that - doing whatever you want." I looked at this girl differently after that, I mean, here she is, this beautiful and nice, twenty something year old girl, who became so emotionally invested into me and way too caught up and she doesn't even know me very well. Women are like that, more emotional (not always, as I am quite the emotional person myself), and sometimes, way too submissive -  not that there is anything entirely wrong with it, but have some confidence!
However, in nearly all studies, the male of the human species appears more aggressive than the female; this conclusion is strongly supported by ethological studies of mammalian behavior, particularly primate behavior, and by the common observation that there are more men than women in armies, physically violent sports, and criminal penitentiaries (CBMW 49). What separates myself now from someone else, is that I feel men use women in today's world, to satisfy themselves. Pure selfish behavior, where man believes they are the stronger sex and justifiably thus deserve to abuse the weaker sex, by using them in whatever way, whether it is emotionally, physically, or even sexually. The Girl with the Red Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson, is a great book that exemplifies these points further. It shows women in situations where they are vulnerable of abuse, being abused. This book and others like it, truly make me very angry. I find it despicable and revolting when women are used to be exploited by men - how dare men take advantage of women when they can? What gives them that right? Women are treated as sex objects in today's culture, and treated as slaves by many religions - the Koran itself is disgusting in how it delegates women to below men (two women have to have the same opinion to be considered equal to one man). The list goes on, and my fingers here, typing up this, are shrieking furiously in anger at what I consider total injustice by men throughout the centuries, starting with prostitution. Don't even get me started on why I believe prostitution should be entirely illegal, none of this legalize it for the safety of the 'sex workers' nonsense; it's an industry based on exploiting women. While I won't go as far as supporting entirely feminist movements that attempt to promote more rights to women than to men, I definitely believe in the majority of feminist arguments that detail why women do not have the same equality as men.

As my guy friends began talking about this "smoking broad they slammed last week," I stood up. They all kind of looked up from the hockey game at me. "Guys," I said, "We're better than this. And we all know it."
They all kind of stared at me, and one of them kind of awkwardly laughed.
But they knew.
No more.

1993.

Where the sun stayed up all night in my dreams and I went to bed wishing my eyes never had to close.
I would stay up and stare out my window and count to ten and wish that I was old enough to sit out and watch the moon begin to impose.
Christmas was always my favorite time of year, new bike, Mum brings out the camcorder, I'm in heaven. Training wheels broken in, riding all alone, whoops, there's a scraped shin bone.
Little sister chasing me around, and back then, no baby brother.

Time flies and snow came down, then there was 1996.
I'd clean the house with Mum, prepare the rooms for guests. I'd joke with my new brother in hopes of us being best friends - couldn't understand all of me yet, he was only two.
We'd wake up way too early and rush through our schoolwork, because when you are homeschooled, you work your own pace, and that's what I did best, passing all of my tests, on my own, because I could do it.
It's 1997 and I'm still in the sandbox in the backyard, listening to "Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry." I couldn't wait for our family trip to the southern USA, beaches, innocence, camping, yes.

Summer flew by, and look, I'm ten years old and it's 1998.
Bran Van 3000 is playing in the background and although I wasn't drinking in LA,
I couldn't wait to stay up late.
I always knew then, at the age of 10, I could like somebody.
My sister was so pretty. We were close. Captain Claw on the computer, 9pm at night, 1999.
My friend Jonathan and I would throw the baseball for hours, I would never take long in the shower because I wanted to always get out of the house! to go outside, or who am I kidding, play Goldeneye!

My friends meant the world to me, J.D. MacCuish and I were inseparable, energetic kids who meant the world to each other. So much in common, such good friends for what I thought would be forever.
Star Wars, the Phantom Menace. Lost four teeth, surgery, was in pain for a week. I was a trooper and I felt like a king.
My friends came over and I couldn't wait to show them my battle scars (even in my mouth)! They were jealous but it was around that time I met my new best friend, Mitts.

Slowly the '90's wore out and I entered the new millennium.
This staying up late, more responsibility stuff, it just wasn't worth it.
Scary enough for me was the fact that I was growing up, I hated it, like what was this stuff?
I just wanted to play hockey, and stay at home, and never grow up, because when your childhood is perfect, isn't that enough?

Boy Scout of the year, Prince Edward Island Scouts Jamboree, 2001.
Home is where the heart is, and I was home in every way.
It was pulling more teeth when I made the move away.
From my home, to a strange place I've never been, Alberta, Canada.
This picture does justice for emotions when I made the move, this was now my home.
So big, so alone. Welcome to the West.

No friends, new school, new place, new grounds. 13 years old. How I wished for '93...

I don't mind feeling this way when you look at me that way

I think the title says it best
it's tough when you're closer to my heart, but I can't help but wish we were further apart.
I don't know what is tougher;
missing my life in Europe,
or the times where I wasn't with you
yeah I know I sound all bitter and tough
but I'm not joking when I said I've had enough
I don't know how to tell you though that my heart
has moved on from making things right
to not caring if you're the last one I see before
I put out the light

Remember that time, CN Tower, rainbow shining
I stood on top of the building and looked down at the
city below us, fading into black, beginning to blink
I didn't know then but I know now
I'm not ready to fight for you
I can't be there for you
And no, for all the things that I need,
Really, you can't take back the things you said,
The way you felt, the glow of the sun overhead,
Which is now dipping over a crest
I'm dying with you, goodbye light

Goodbye moon, goodbye heart, goodbye you

Worn out places

We know that the hardest part of being human
Is feeling no expression.
The worst type of hurt no longer feels like pain.
Running circles is how we play this game;
crossing over, falling over, rolling over.

If a grave is death, and I'm about one step in
Then save my soul for what this mad world is
A spiral of untrained muscle, sinewed strength, dazzling fear
If we're about to become emotional, impressive, affectionate
Then make it so, because we all know
you don't belong here, you don't belong here.

If we could give ourselves a clandestine opportunity
One that truly gave us immunity from our fears, would we?
Heartbreak, stress, and the ache that you feel when you
Wake up and your pillow is cold and you can't see right
And everything feels so uptight and your eyes are black,
The ceiling is crashing down upon you, and you are
all alone, all alone.

Now do this for me, do it for me now
Take me to the place that I begged for your love
Where everything I said was never enough
Where the rain stopped and yet the tears began
I needed you now like I needed you then
Let's make this last to the very end
always.