Thursday, April 28, 2011

Worn out places

We know that the hardest part of being human
Is feeling no expression.
The worst type of hurt no longer feels like pain.
Running circles is how we play this game;
crossing over, falling over, rolling over.

If a grave is death, and I'm about one step in
Then save my soul for what this mad world is
A spiral of untrained muscle, sinewed strength, dazzling fear
If we're about to become emotional, impressive, affectionate
Then make it so, because we all know
you don't belong here, you don't belong here.

If we could give ourselves a clandestine opportunity
One that truly gave us immunity from our fears, would we?
Heartbreak, stress, and the ache that you feel when you
Wake up and your pillow is cold and you can't see right
And everything feels so uptight and your eyes are black,
The ceiling is crashing down upon you, and you are
all alone, all alone.

Now do this for me, do it for me now
Take me to the place that I begged for your love
Where everything I said was never enough
Where the rain stopped and yet the tears began
I needed you now like I needed you then
Let's make this last to the very end
always.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

If I could just close my eyes

I'd be unaware of the fear
the great divide that seats itself between me and you
the misty fog, rising up out of thin, heated air
the knowledge that flows from my mouth is just that,
hot breath, careless words from a foolish heart looking for love

B
ecause really isn't that what we are all looking for?
The chance to grow up, mature, grow up, come out on top?
Roll with the punches, learn from life's lessons?

Before we can roll out with any more cliches, let us continue
back when we first made out, it was all about when I could see you
when I could feel you, fall into you
we changed.

Now you bring yourself close to me
my hands start to shake, my body feels weak even though I'm pressed
right on top of you with all my weight
i'm about to do something I've been waiting for
try to make this right, make this last all night

Y
our skin is warm, a glowing heat.
you kiss me close, somewhat passionate, totally mysterious
i know what is next, and my legs slightly quiver as I pull through
we fit, we are together, just us two.
whenever you feel as close as this, hold it, strangle this moment
let your words curl out of your lips with remorse nonexistent

This is all you have left
.
And all you have left,
is what was given to you.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

The cabin.



The car ride there was remarkably silent.
Her voice caught every time she went to speak. His eyes had glazed over, his mind over matter. Conversation never had a chance to begin. The road passed by with remarkable speed, the dark pine trees reaching into the sky, the dimming light fading, isolating. The world from outside looked menacing and cold, and she shivered slightly. He never took his eyes off the road, but he took off his blazer and handed it to her. His dress pants felt incredibly thin, every hair in his body stood upon end. Dark Canadian winter would do that to the body, chill, freeze, and mutilate, inch by inch, with bitter frostbite. She shivered and wrapped his blazer tight; her eyes were shut, and he just wished he could do the same.

He literally couldn't even focus enough to look at her - it was enough to watch the road, the drifting snow, and the shredded evergreens rushing past them as they drove in silence. They were only a few minutes from reaching the cabin, anyways. He couldn't wait until he could pour himself a drink, or six. His fingers were cold, incredibly so, and he placed his hand down towards the heater on the centre console. After fiddling with the climate control for a few seconds, he turned up the heat. Still nothing. His eyes betrayed a trace of annoyance, and he glanced at her beside him. She was looking away, her eyes closed, near the window pane. If breaking down was this hard, she was going to break him apart, piece by piece. He looked down towards the console again, still no heat was blowing out of the vents; quickly taking his eyes off the road - and that’s when it happened.
She screamed, it pierced the silence of the car. He suddenly looked up and saw a semi-trailer half in his lane, sliding precariously towards his SUV. He did the only thing he could do, avoid it. Ripping the wheel of his Range Rover to the right, he barely missed the rear end of the jackknifed, skidding semi, hurtling the SUV off the road and into a snowy patch of forest deep off the road below. He grabbed the wheel and shouted as the SUV began to gain speed and tumble down the side of what seemed like a ravine; later he would admit he lost count after four complete body rolls. Branches scratched and smashed out windows as they descended, until suddenly, they hit a tree, hard.
He awoke what felt like hours later to the sound of her whispering in his ear. He glanced around, taking in his surroundings. They landed luckily right side up on all four wheels. Most of the windows were destroyed and the B pillar of the rear doors had been destroyed from hitting the tree. He felt his bones and unclenched his fingers, so far so good; it was just his head, ringing and a nagging pain. He looked deeply at her, worried about what he'd find. Her lip was slightly bleeding, but she looked great - as always he thought. A little worse for the wear.
"Jordan. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Her voice was quiet, but compassionate, deliberate. Always the same, always there. But not for him.
"I'm fine. Seriously."
She looked at him slightly suspiciously, and he looked down.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, and then he took matters into my own hands.
"Do you have cell reception? Let's see if we can start by calling out."
She reached into her pocket and took out her totally cracked iPhone.
"Can you even dial?"
She attempted too, but then shook her head; the screen was missing chunks of glass and revealed electrical components behind it. He fell back into his torn, leather seat.
He hadn't brought his cellphone along for this trip, because he had left it at the cabin when he visited earlier, preparing it for them, for her...

"Let's head out, make our way to the cabin," he told her.
His voice betrayed less of a statement and more of a question, but it slightly irritated her.
"It's almost dark, we won't be able to find our way in the dark, let alone find a cabin somewhere in the middle of the Canadian shield," she replied, rather tersely.
"I'm not against staying here, Ariana, but if you want to freeze, so be it. We don't have much choice."
She looked at him. Then her face lit up.
"Does your SUV battery still work in here? Turn on the car."
He was confused, but he did as asked.
He attempted to turn over the engine, nothing, but the electronics lit up.
She navigated her way to the onboard navigation and found directions to the cabin.
He took it all in, in amazement. This girl, she was smart, brilliant actually. Her intelligence had always been one of her most attractive aspects, it always made him feel proud that she was his... or had been.
He looked over at her in the fading light. Her long, dark hair cascaded over her shoulders, casual enough to look gorgeous in her white Doctor's coat, but sexy with just lingerie on. Off track he realized, feeling sick.
"Jordan! Did you hear me?" She was practically yelling at him.
He shook the cobwebs out and replied nicely, "Say that again, sorry. My head hurts."
She looked at him, slight compassion in her dark brown eyes. Nobody could make him feel that way like her, with just a look, withering or loving.
"The cabin is only a mile and a half away; if we stick close to the road and turn at this road here on Millcroft we should be able to make it by dark if we hustle."
He looked at her and asked, "You warm? We've got a walk ahead of us."
He gently gripped her hand, but she released it.

The snow crunched loudly underfoot as they began their walk heading towards the cabin, while yet staying incredibly close to the road above them. The dipping of the sun and the darkening sky painted a picturesque landscape above them, while making it harder for either of them to see. But with a few bruises and a slightly strained knee (he found that out later as they began to walk), walking became a slower affair than they thought. What was made worse was her flats were constantly full of snow - causing her to constantly dump out snow from them every few minutes. Her feet were freezing. While the walk became long and arduous, it fortunately gave both a chance to stick close together and to clear their heads.

She knew how hard it was on him for what she had done.
She was confused.
Cold, afraid of the inevitable. Of commitment. Unsure of their future.
Afraid of their life together.
They had too many issues, too many complications. They had loving families, close relations with each other's parents and siblings, but that's where it ended. She wasn't ready for that next step, she didn't think. Or was she? Why was she so reluctant to accept him, for all his faults?

She forced her feet to keep moving, following the tracing of the highway high above them. He saw her wince as she emptied her shoes, and he had had enough. He offered to carry her, just so she could take a short break from walking.
She refused, but she knew, that even in her tall five nine frame, she fit perfectly in his arms. The summer before, her brother was getting married and they danced together at his wedding until the sun had gone down and was on its way up, laughing and carrying on like they were two innocent kids in love. Her brother's marriage brought a blessing to her life; she truly saw the positives of him, the caring, unconditional acceptance and strong nature of him, and the playful, not-serious persona. Finishing up at med school, the dances at her brother's wedding had given her the opportunity to just relax, let down her guard, and to fully fall for him...

The sun had faded fast, leaving them in near pitch dark conditions. Jordan had brought the flashlight from the SUV and it pierced the darkness ahead of them in a wavering, unsteady motion. Patches of snow disguised logs tripping them up, and she looked down at what she assumed were legs scratched to the bone, and wished slightly she had accepted his offer to carry her. The sky began to slowly illuminate with stars as they neared down the road where the cabin was situated on. He checked his watch; it had only been just under an hour of walking. She looked worn out he thought, but she was stubborn. He was used to that.

"I've never felt so cold, and yet so Canadian at the same time," he said, laughing.
She couldn't help but smile, as she realized this inadvertent outdoor hike in the Canadian Shield, while being the last on her list of TO-DO in life, had brought her closer with Mother Nature. The creaking of branches and the howl of a distant coyote seemed almost cliché to her as they walked, but it gave her a small shiver.
Think positive thoughts she told herself.
They neared the small drive of the cabin and at last reached the door.
Even in the dark, the idyllic cabin was beautiful. Entirely wood constructed, and made years ago, vintage logs matched snow trails all across the roof, the veranda, and the small front porch. She sighed loudly.

He didn't say anything as they stepped inside. He didn't need too really.
She flicked on a light, as dim overhead bulbs lit up the interior of the kitchen and the living room. Tens of pure white candles and hundreds of dark red rose pedals lay all over the floor in a perfect path to the master bedroom. The air smelled musty, but something smelled better than that, sweet adoration.
He looked away and headed to the kitchen.
She took off her shoes and looked around in amazement. Even from the wooden rafters in the ceiling, a new chandelier had been put in - sparkling white, something she had always wanted in her future house she had told him. He had laughed when she told him, but later that week he ordered one, the type she wanted, from Germany, and had it installed in preparation for her.
She slowly began to walk into the family room, where he had begun already to build a fire.
She saw a bottle of premium champagne already opened, on the hard, wooden table.
She took long swallow and sat in front of the fire.
He sat down at the table after a few minutes of stoking the fire and continued to drink.

They looked away and then made eye contact.
"I'm sorry," he said first. "I didn't know it would be like this." He looked wistfully at her, almost sadly, she thought.
"It's okay," she whispered.
He got up, suddenly and leaned over the kitchen sink, looking out through snowy windows. She saw the hurt in him, the pain. He stood there for several minutes, before she came up from behind and began to embrace him. He felt her hands wrap around his chest and her gorgeous hair fall over the back of his neck.
She let herself go, she let herself go.
All of these issues, these insecurities he had, he was worth it. The games with other girls, the parts of him that she wanted to change, she let it go. He was hers, and she was his.
She wasn't perfect herself, was she? She didn't have everything in her life all figured out, did she? He put up with all of her issues, didn't he? Why was she afraid to commit?
The fire crackled in the background and the wind lightly howled against the log walls. The creaking of the cabin was the only sound in the room, other than the beating of her heart.
She kissed the back of his neck gently.
He turned around and looked into her eyes, then kissed her deep, hard, now.
She reached up and started to unbutton his dress shirt, pulling it off furiously. He grabbed her waist and pulled up her dress, his aggressive nature taking over.
They knew they worked together. It wasn't about being trapped in a cabin, or surviving a car crash.
This was about them. All the rushing thoughts of her walking away when he proposed, the consternation and confusion when she broke his heart, left him, for this very instance.
They weren't perfect, and never would be. But they needed that one chance to realize how perfect they were together.

Suddenly, loud knocks came at the door.

Part II will come down sometime soon!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

You're crazy, I'm crazy for you


Sometimes putting things on paper makes things easier to feel.
And isn't that what we are, living breathing forums of feelings?

I love European music.
You're crazy for the most local indie underground bands
I'm all about Edward Maya, Dash Berlin, and a State of Trance
You're singing the latest rounds on a greasy bar stage
a crowded room, a loud table at the back
drifting smoke wafting through the air,
intoxicating, in your veins, choking you up
if it's not despair, it's just you reaching out
for what you want, someone to hold you close, tell you
it's going to be alright
Why keep running, leaving a trail of mistakes behind
night after night?

We, we were lost
This, walk of pain
I miss you so much, now I call again

So different in so many ways
you're into plays and honestly you couldn't care less
about fashion, sports, or the latest cars
we're so different, but we have one thing in common
a mutual agreement, from a thousand different arguments
we can't fight us anymore
I don't mind you under my skin, I don't find it irritating

Europe 2011

Friday, November 5, 2010

It's a war within myself

Tear this up and throw it out. Burn my letters, and forget the nights of Survivor where we'd play stranded alone on the island we called your white bed sheets, surrounded by the deep ocean of blankets, beside the beaches of white pillows. Where our sparks flying kept the small fire burning and the unstable, wooden raft of emotions provided our only escape. We knew to keep our thoughts away from the white, circular patterned stucco clouds on the ceiling which always came rushing down upon us - you knew better than me where our old memories hang from. Force your smile now, make these words about you, because isn't that what I'm trying to do? Make you think, compare myself to what you wanted before we were through? Exasperate love that isn't there, make an innocent situation convoluted, because that's what we were meant to pursue. This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but wasn't it better before this? It's time to be brand new, be brave, spring out who you are, and be who you've never been. I'm never going to be a Doctor, but I know your heart was something special.

Later as the island washes away in the wind, I just want you to think.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Simply falling.

Simply falling for you makes me want to be 17 forever.
Kind of like the Metro Station song, but more so because of the waves of feelings that wash over me.
The part where you close your eyes, and you just remember your past, parts of your mind that you tried to block out (hold me back, I can't keep this in)
Your first kiss, your heart beating when you first held hands, the one mistake you made forever
That one night where you did something you've always wanted, the infatuation and I love you's, the part where you two danced the night away

It's not just the fact that you made this together, you were naive young and so was I, your first cuddle in the dark, the one night where you just wanted everything to be all right, the sense of disrepair as you know exactly where to take me

Sheets in unfashionable array, staring into your eyes at midnight, Taylor Swift singalongs and Twilight, early hockey games at seven thirty, choking out your cutting words in our fight, so into you that it hurts to breathe, knowing you won't be able to sleep this off tonight

It's the sinking feeling in the air that you won't be the same after me.
Let's get away from this all, Lasalle or Lowville Park,
Back to the basics, no more question marks
Let's make this right, you won't be this age forever
Tell me the chance hasn't passed us by,
Cause girl the stars have never shined so bright
Slowly...

Falling Apart.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Heat escapades


Just like a dream immerses you, wraps you tight, brings nightmares to reality
We collide, spin, entangle ourselves.
I awake, my heart lightly beating within my chest.
Shutters opened a small peek allow me to see the light of our early morning
Your hair dances in the dusty glow of the unlit room,
Our hands draped together, crisscrossed fingers and hands on my shoulders,
The knowing feeling that we're only about to get warmer.

The faint glimmer in your eyes reveals your morning awakening.
You yawn, pull yourself closer, and we brush cheeks
Your beautiful dark eyes, and the traces of long lost sleep fold over you
Causing silent heat waves to simmer below our covers.
Maybe I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you.
I want to stay like this forever.